A day in the life

[xxlt]

It was a typical day. I got up, walked outside, lowered my neighbor's American flag and micturated on it. I came back in the house, got my prayer rug that was hand stitched in Kenya (I bought it with my food stamps and had it personally blessed by Imam Obama) and I prayed my morning prayer that Allah would light Steve Bannon's tongue on fire when he was giving the President his morning fellating.

I grabbed my Obama phone and snap chatted a couple of pics of myself in drag to my ex boyfriend so he could see how hot I look, scooped up an armload of food stamps, and headed off to Whole Foods to buy a couple hundred bucks worth of lobster. Later I planned to stop by the abortion clinic where I volunteer and impale a few dozen fetuses. Like I said, just a normal day.

I stop at Starbucks for my morning six coffees and tell the limo driver, "Hey, the taxpayers can afford for you to wait, leave the meter running and I will see you in a couple hours. We are just going next door to Whole Foods, but I don't feel like walking so wait for me." In true liberal limousine driver fashion he asked me to pick up an extra copy of the Daily Worker at Starbucks. I did.

So, three hours later I'm sitting in the women's bathroom waiting for unsuspecting females to come in so I can have my way with them, when low and behold one comes in. I don't know if was the thrill of the anticipation of playing Big Bad Wolf or the Daily Worker cross word puzzle that was really a stumper that day, but before I could announce my presence, her voice emerged from the neighboring stall.

"Wow, really? Again..." she sighed.

Now, I am not totally heartless, so I figure before I violate her I can show a little decency. I say, "What's a matter, no toilet paper over there?"

And if she had said, "Yeah that's it," I would not have gone Elaine Benes on her, I would have tossed a whole roll of paper over to her.

But she laughs and says, "Oh no, it's not that." And this is where it got weird. She continues, "See, I have my phone out and there's this website I read daily and there is this one douche bag on there... I don't know how to explain it. I'll just put it like this: he sure does troll."

I couldn't imagine what the hell she was talking about. It was so confounding that before I could puzzle out the meaning she was gone in a flush, and I had to wait ten more minutes for another chick to come it. Luckily she was a regular who had stopped by hoping I would be there. We met at a Hillary rally and she knew the drill - the one that they keep in the cabinet at Starbucks - and got it for us. It made the sex just a little bit special. Man, though was that bathroom a mess when we left. We left together. She volunteers at Planned Parenthood but told me she was going in late because she needed to go pick up her methadone. I told her I would giver her a ride after I got done at Whole Foods and dropped off my lobsters.

But anyway, anybody got any idea what that weird chick was talking about?

[Rotobeast]

(02-25-2017, 03:57 AM)xxlt Wrote: It was a typical day. I got up, walked outside, lowered my neighbor's American flag and micturated on it. I came back in the house, got my prayer rug that was hand stitched in Kenya (I bought it with my food stamps and had it personally blessed by Imam Obama) and I prayed my morning prayer that Allah would light Steve Bannon's tongue on fire when he was giving the President his morning fellating.

I grabbed my Obama phone and snap chatted a couple of pics of myself in drag to my ex boyfriend so he could see how hot I look, scooped up an armload of food stamps, and headed off to Whole Foods to buy a couple hundred bucks worth of lobster. Later I planned to stop by the abortion clinic where I volunteer and impale a few dozen fetuses. Like I said, just a normal day.

I stop at Starbucks for my morning six coffees and tell the limo driver, "Hey, the taxpayers can afford for you to wait, leave the meter running and I will see you in a couple hours. We are just going next door to Whole Foods, but I don't feel like walking so wait for me." In true liberal limousine driver fashion he asked me to pick up an extra copy of the Daily Worker at Starbucks. I did.

So, three hours later I'm sitting in the women's bathroom waiting for unsuspecting females to come in so I can have my way with them, when low and behold one comes in. I don't know if was the thrill of the anticipation of playing Big Bad Wolf or the Daily Worker cross word puzzle that was really a stumper that day, but before I could announce my presence, her voice emerged from the neighboring stall.

"Wow, really? Again..." she sighed.

Now, I am not totally heartless, so I figure before I violate her I can show a little decency. I say, "What's a matter, no toilet paper over there?"

And if she had said, "Yeah that's it," I would not have gone Elaine Benes on her, I would have tossed a whole roll of paper over to her.

But she laughs and says, "Oh no, it's not that." And this is where it got weird. She continues, "See, I have my phone out and there's this website I read daily and there is this one douche bag on there... I don't know how to explain it. I'll just put it like this: he sure does troll."

I couldn't imagine what the hell she was talking about. It was so confounding that before I could puzzle out the meaning she was gone in a flush, and I had to wait ten more minutes for another chick to come it. Luckily she was a regular who had stopped by hoping I would be there. We met at a Hillary rally and she knew the drill - the one that they keep in the cabinet at Starbucks - and got it for us. It made the sex just a little bit special. Man, though was that bathroom a mess when we left. We left together. She volunteers at Planned Parenthood but told me she was going in late because she needed to go pick up her methadone. I told her I would giver her a ride after I got done at Whole Foods and dropped off my lobsters.

But anyway, anybody got any idea what that weird chick was talking about?

Dino ?




So....totally unbelievable story.


Everyone knows you'd bring the lobsters in, for nipple-clips.

[xxlt]

(02-25-2017, 08:17 AM)Rotobeast Wrote: Dino ?




So....totally unbelievable story.


Everyone knows you'd bring the lobsters in, for nipple-clips.

A good reader always catches the subtext. You get a gold star for being a good reader. And, Johnny what else do we have for Rotobeast?

"It's a set of custom lobster claw nipple clips and a 1200 cold cranking amp Exide battery from our friends at Auto Zone. Get in the zone: nipple zone, um, I mean Auto Zone."

Applause! Applause!

[Rotobeast]

(02-25-2017, 11:44 AM)xxlt Wrote: A good reader always catches the subtext. You get a gold star for being a good reader. And, Johnny what else do we have for Rotobeast?

"It's a set of custom lobster claw nipple clips and a 1200 cold cranking amp Exide battery from our friends at Auto Zone. Get in the zone: nipple zone, um, I mean Auto Zone."

Applause! Applause!

You like me !!
You really like me !!!

You've also read my mind.
I've been wanting to get into kinky current.

[GMDino]

(02-25-2017, 08:17 AM)Rotobeast Wrote: Dino ?




So....totally unbelievable story.


Everyone knows you'd bring the lobsters in, for nipple-clips.

Hey now!

You don't get to be my size by going to Whole Foods.

[xxlt]

(02-25-2017, 12:00 PM)Rotobeast Wrote: You like me !!
You really like me !!!

You've also read my mind.
I've been wanting to get into kinky current.

[xxlt]

(02-25-2017, 12:19 PM)GMDino Wrote: Hey now!

You don't get to be my size by going to Whole Foods.

[Rotobeast]

(02-25-2017, 12:19 PM)GMDino Wrote: Hey now!

You don't get to be my size by going to Whole Foods.

Well, it was either you, or Pat.
You are the only two that would use the ladies restroom (as a protest for social justice, of course) and mutter about Bfine (or whoever the poster was that was alluded to).


Anyway, yeah Whole Foods is too expensive to build girth on.

I thought maybe you strolled around in there to build your Liberal street cred.

[GMDino]

(02-25-2017, 01:06 PM)Rotobeast Wrote: Well, it was either you, or Pat.
You are the only two that would use the ladies restroom (as a protest for social justice, of course) and mutter about Bfine (or whoever the poster was that was alluded to).


Anyway, yeah Whole Foods is too expensive to build girth on.

I thought maybe you strolled around in there to build your Liberal street cred.

In all seriousness whats funny is I would not use the ladies room.  When my daughter was younger I would send her in and wait outside because I wouldn't bring her in the men's room either!  LOL!

[Rotobeast]

(02-25-2017, 01:11 PM)GMDino Wrote: In all seriousness whats funny is I would not use the ladies room.  When my daughter was younger I would send her in and wait outside because I wouldn't bring her in the men's room either!  LOL!

Yeah....you know I'm just running my face, in an attempt at humor.

I tend to pick you a lot in these scenarios, as I know you know a lot about comedy.
You always cooperate, with humility and grace.

[GMDino]

(02-25-2017, 01:20 PM)Rotobeast Wrote: Yeah....you know I'm just running my face, in an attempt at humor.

I tend to pick you a lot in these scenarios, as I know you know a lot about comedy.
You always cooperate, with humility and grace.

Oh please don't think I didn't think it was funny or that I was offended.  No one makes fun of me more than me! 

[Rotobeast]

(02-25-2017, 01:21 PM)GMDino Wrote: Oh please don't think I didn't think it was funny or that I was offended.  No one makes fun of me more than me! 

No, didn't think that at all.

I also participate in self-deprecating humor, daily.
I'm always willing to, as it can completely change the course of someone's day, for the better.