Candidate Profiles

[BmorePat87]

http://www.theonion.com/graphic/candidate-profile-hillary-clinton-38414






Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is expected to officially announce her candidacy for the 2016 presidential election on Sunday, putting an end to months of speculation about her plans. Here are some key things to know about the first Democrat to declare her candidacy:

Campaign Slogan: “I deserve this”

Campaign Strategy: Overwhelming tide of inevitability

Spouse: Former Arkansas attorney general William Jefferson Clinton

Wingspan: 7 feet, 6 inches

Ideal Running Mate: Primary opponent who knows how to gracefully step aside when the time comes

Biggest Scandals: Deaths of four Americans at Benghazi, use of private email account for government emails, choice of Nina McLemore dress at a 1998 presidential function

Grandchildren: One, but pushing Chelsea for one more before Iowa caucus

Stance On Abortion: Supports a woman’s right to choose for her husband’s mistress

Birthplace: Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming

Number Of Times Teeth Gritted To Date: 489,346

Things She Personally Understands As A Grandmother: Hope, faith, future, education, children, all that crap

Greatest Fear: Charismatic young senators from the Midwest

Number Of Big Macs That Fit In Mouth At One Time: 2

Biggest Challenge: Not completely blowing it

[BmorePat87]

South Carolina senator and retired Air Force colonel Lindsey Graham officially announced Monday that he will run in the 2016 presidential race, adding his name to the increasingly crowded Republican field. Here are some key facts to know about Graham:


Marital Status: Single, but on the prowl

Distinction Among Other GOP Candidates: Most recent

Voter Appeal: Popular with voters who believe America not currently in enough wars

Appearance: Excited boy getting his first tricycle

Family: Has relatable 50-year-old sister just like you and me

Name Recognition Among Sen. John McCain: 100 percent

Percent Of Body Mass That Is Sweet Tea: 17

What He’s Wearing Under That Little Three-Button Navy Blue Number: Absolutely nothing

Biggest Obstacle To Winning Presidency: (Tie) Personality, voting record, stances on various issues, physical appearance, funding

[BmorePat87]

Former Maryland governor and Baltimore mayor Martin O’Malley announced Saturday that he will enter the 2016 presidential race, becoming the third Democratic hopeful to officially declare his candidacy. Here are some key facts to know about O’Malley:


Level Of Name Recognition: Slightly above yours

Campaign Slogan: “A vote for me is a vote for Martin O’Malley”

Age: Able to portray anything from youthful idealist to time-tested political veteran

Religion: Catholic, but not the Rick Santorum kind

Goal: To defeat Bernie Sanders

Plan For Middle Class: Put pictures of them on his website

Children: Stage Center Left and Stage Center Right

Campaign Strategy: Data-based approach to never getting within 25 points of lead

Handshake Style: Firm double pump with slide release

Views On Capital Punishment: Polling well but worth keeping eye on

Sometimes Puts On A Pantsuit And Makeup And Pretends He’s Hillary Clinton: Who’s to say?

[BmorePat87]

Former Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum announced his candidacy for the 2016 presidential election on Wednesday, bringing the runner-up from the 2012 Republican primaries officially into the race. Here’s what you need to know about Santorum:


Age: 23 years younger than average supporter

Birthplace: America he barely recognizes anymore

Campaign Goals: Keep the rampant liberalism in the Republican party in check

Economic Platform: More of a social issues guy

Trademark Look: Suit, tie

Debate Strategy: Hoping to be permitted to watch from green room

Hobbies: Searching for intelligently designed life on other planets

Views On Hardcore Pornography: Included in presidential platform

Motivation For Running: Kill some time before going to Heaven

Biggest Controversy: Is presidential candidate

[BmorePat87]

Former Arkansas governor and Fox News personality Mike Huckabee announced his 2016 presidential candidacy Tuesday, becoming the sixth Republican hopeful to officially enter the race. Here’s what you need to know about Huckabee:

Born: August 24, 1955

Born Again: September 15, 1982

Voter Base: Future Scott Walker supporters

Concept Of Hellfire Plays Role In Worldview: Yes

Slogan: “Mike Huckabee? Sure, okay.”

Campaign Promise: Shore up Social Security to ensure it lasts until End Times

Political Advantage: Most likable candidate by default

Central Beliefs: Believes homosexuality is a choice; considers abortion akin to slavery; wants to bring common sense back to America

Biggest Strength: Last name has optimal number of syllables for chanting

Political Experience: Knows what it’s like to quietly fade away on big stage

Tour Bus: To-scale replica of Noah’s Ark

Campaign Goal: Strengthen salary negotiating position with Fox News

[BmorePat87]

Retired neurosurgeon and rising conservative star Ben Carson announced his bid for the presidency Monday, the first African-American candidate of either major political party to do so. Here’s what you need to know about the Republican candidate:

Preferred Title: Dr. President Carson

Birthplace: Successfully overcome

Biggest Political Liability: Has admitted to cutting people’s bodies open with scalpel

Minority Appeal: You would think so, but no

First Thing He Does Each Morning: Decides whether to be gay or straight for next 24 hours

Likely Placement In Primary Debates: Halfway in frame on right side of screen

Nightmare: Getting arms, legs entangled in huge social safety net

Special Ability: Can flatten taxes with bare hands

Fun Fact: It technically possible that this individual might be president someday

[BmorePat87]

INFOGRAPHIC
May 4, 2015
Vol 51 Issue 18 Politics · Politicians · Elections · Election 2016 · Republican

Carly Fiorina, a former Silicon Valley executive, announced Monday her candidacy for the 2016 presidential election, becoming the first female Republican hopeful to officially launch a campaign. Here’s what you should know about Fiorina:

Alter Ego: Sally Cyber

Adds Diversity To GOP Field: In a sense

Previous Job: Computer at Hewlett-Packard

Presidential Ambition: To lay off 30 percent of Americans

Biggest Asset: Will remain Washington outsider for remainder of life

Inspirational Background Story: Sought ways to optimize technology systems and increase consumer awareness of Hewlett-Packard

Time Left To Soften Edges: Not much

Forbes Lists: “Most Powerful Women” (51), “Women In Tech” (21), “Ultimate Sandwich Lovers” (5)

Didn’t Always Make Most Popular Choices At HP, But Made The Right Ones?: Absolutely

Guilty Pleasure: Analyzing systems to eliminate redundancies

Voter Appeal: Fills rare role of business executive who also has political aspirations

[BmorePat87]

Independent Vermont senator and self-proclaimed “democratic socialist” Bernie Sanders officially declared his candidacy in the 2016 election Thursday. Here’s what you need to know about the presidential hopeful:

Given name: Bernice

Nickname: The Vermont Bonecrusher

Media Strategy: Name plastered all over countless rejected Senate bills

Biggest Political Liability: Completely out of touch with the average American corporation

Campaign Promises: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here

Key Endorsements: Burlington Free Press; Brattleboro Reformer; Vermonters for Schools and Community

Campaign Slogan: “One percent of this country owns 38 percent of the wealth. The bottom 60 percent owns 2.3 percent. We are essentially living in an oligarchy, one that is headed for the edge of the cliff if we do not address the social and economic inequalities that are propelling this downward spiral. How can we ever expect to reclaim the respect and support of the international community when we are starting wars in the name of democracy? When in our own country we are handing out $285 million-dollar severance packages while millions of Americans, even with the Affordable Care Act, remained uninsured? I’m telling you, the warning signs are here, and we must act. My name is Bernie Sanders.”

Previous Occupation: CEO of Altria

Potential Forthcoming Signature Ben & Jerry’s Flavor: ‘Corporaisins Are Not Pecan-ple’ Crunch; Single-Payer Heath-Care; Undelectable Candydate

Daily Workout Routine: 180 lbs. deadlift (3 sets x 10 reps); 160 lbs. shoulder press (3 sets x 10 reps); 90 lbs. bicep curls (5 sets each arm x 12 reps); 110 lbs. skullcrusher (2 sets x 10 reps); 320 lbs. bench press (2 sets x 8 reps)

Campaign Donations: Non-refundable

Vermont Public Radio Show: Power Of Darkness Bernie Sanders Metal Hour

Dangerously Radical Fringe Views: Reform Wall Street, avoid costly and ineffective conflicts in Middle East, help working families prosper

[BmorePat87]

INFOGRAPHIC
April 13, 2015
Vol 51 Issue 15 Politics · Politicians · Elections · Election 2016

Following similar announcements by Ted Cruz and Rand Paul, Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) has become the third GOP candidate to declare his bid in the 2016 presidential race. The Onion breaks down what you should know about Rubio:

Campaign Slogan: “Laying the groundwork for 2020”

Campaign Strategy: Leverage Latino voter base, large-scale grassroots movement, death of Jeb Bush

Vision: Ready for America to reclaim strong conservative values held by 38 percent of its populace

Birthplace: Closed-door conservative think tank strategy session in 2010

Supporters: Good, hardworking, extremely wealthy Americans

Signature Issue: Strongly in favor of Marco Rubio being president

Biggest Liability: Close ties to state of Florida

Ideas For Turning This Country Around: 4

Conservative Voting Record: Will downplay or proudly stand by it as necessary

Stance On Welfare: Strongly favors increasing support to beleaguered corporations

High School Yearbook Superlative: Most Likely To Take 11% Share Of Vote In 2016 Iowa Caucus

[BmorePat87]

INFOGRAPHIC
April 7, 2015
Vol 51 Issue 14 Politics · Politicians · Elections · Election 2016

Kentucky senator Rand Paul announced Tuesday his plans to run for president in 2016, with the libertarian becoming the second Republican to officially declare his candidacy. Here are some key facts to know about the first-term senator:

Political Vision: Supports bipartisanship between the Tea Party and GOP

Campaign Strategy: Hoping college-aged white males come to comprise over half of U.S. population

Platform: Heavy focus on abolishing and repealing, with lesser focus on dismantling, rescinding, and abrogating

Campaign Slogan: “Defeat the Washington machine. Unleash the American dream.”

Unabridged Campaign Slogan: “Defeat the Washington machine. Unleash the American dream. Fight the Capitol Hill scheme. Scream the revolutionary’s scream. Adopt the populist mien. Join the Rand Paul team!”

Effect Of Campaign Bumper Sticker On Car’s Resale Value: -11.5%

Opinion On Big Government Reaching Into Our Pockets And Taking Away Our Personal Freedoms: Anti

Current Campaign War Chest: 10,000 bricks of gold bullion

Piercings: 12

Crossover Voter Appeal: Reaches fans as young as 18 and as old as 20

Number Of Friends’ Status Updates You’ll Have To Scroll Past Regarding His Vision For Country Over Next Year: 131

[BmorePat87]

Texas senator Ted Cruz announced Monday that he will run for president in 2016, becoming the first Republican politician to officially declare his candidacy. Here is what you should know about the first-term senator:

Political Positions: Deafening

Ethnicity: White enough

Supporters: Those people from high school who got married when they were 18

Speaks: Spanish, English, Tongues

Campaign Slogan: “I’m Ted Cruz”

Likelihood Of Becoming President: Huckabeesque

Campaign Platform: Be a distraction for a few months

Largest Obstacles To Nomination: Scott Walker, Rand Paul, five seconds of scrutiny

Could Be Fun To Watch As Campaign Sputters Along: Sure

Number Of Presidential Runs Left In Him: Ugh, at least three or four

[RICHMONDBENGAL_07]

And not a single candidate, Democrat or Republican, that I'm even remotely excited about. :snark:

[SunsetBengal]

These are great.  Will you do a few more?

[BmorePat87]

(06-07-2015, 05:56 PM)SunsetBengal Wrote: These are great.  Will you do a few more?

I only added the link for the first one, but these are from the Onion. I can't take credit, I just thought you all would have a good laugh. As soon as more candidates declare these next few weeks (apparently Jeb, Jindal, and Trump are all declaring) I will post them from the Onion.

Not sure if you saw this one that I posted in Perry thread, but I'll repost it here:

(06-05-2015, 02:51 PM)BmorePat87 Wrote: http://www.theonion.com/graphic/candidate-profile-rick-perry-50580



Former Texas governor Rick Perry announced Thursday his candidacy for the 2016 presidential election, hoping to fare better than he did in his unsuccessful bid for the Republican nomination in 2012. Here’s what you need to know about Perry:

  Campaign Slogan: “I Studied This Time”
   Experience: Effectively and efficiently led bungling of 2012 presidential campaign
   Policies: Tough on crime, specifically homosexuality
  Death Penalty Record: Undefeated, 234-0
   Political Base: Unsettling white guys in wraparound Oakleys
  Biggest Political Asset: Looks pretty presidential on muted TV at airport
   Biggest Liability: Public forums
   Greatest Political Accomplishment: Provided underserved minorities and mentally ******** individuals with access to quality executions
   Oh, And: Was recently issued felony indictment for abuse of power as Texas governor

[JustWinBaby]

Trump is going to declare? Does he even WANT a Republican to be President? He can probably do more damage to the party than Hillary.

[BmorePat87]

(06-07-2015, 10:07 PM)JustWinBaby Wrote: Trump is going to declare?  Does he even WANT a Republican to be President?  He can probably do more damage to the party than Hillary.

http://www.newsobserver.com/news/politics-government/article23312226.html

He says June 16th

[JustWinBaby]

(06-07-2015, 11:07 PM)BmorePat87 Wrote: http://www.newsobserver.com/news/politics-government/article23312226.html

He says June 16th

Hmmm.....They must be canceling Apprentice and he needs to find a new outlet to get attention.  Good thing he can self-fund because I can't imagine people giving him money.  That is unless people adopt the Harry Reid method and try to buy a clown the nomination to secure the election.

[Benton]

(06-07-2015, 10:07 PM)JustWinBaby Wrote: Trump is going to declare?  Does he even WANT a Republican to be President?  He can probably do more damage to the party than Hillary.

the best thing he ca. Do for the GOP is run as a Democrat.

[JustWinBaby]

(06-08-2015, 12:05 AM)Benton Wrote: the best thing he ca. Do for the GOP is run as a Democrat.

That's just the sort of stunt that clown would pull. But I don't think his ego could handle polling 90 points behind Hillary.

[BmorePat87]

Former Rhode Island Republican Senator and Independent Governor, Lincoln Chafee, announced his candidacy for the 2016 Presidential election. Here is what you should know about the new candidate:

Campaign Slogan "I'm Lincoln Chafee, I'm one of the candidates... no, for President. I'm supposed to be up on the stage."

Current Political Party: Democratic, but willing to run as a Libertarian in his local school board election if this doesn't work out.

Campaign Strategy: Convince voters that political dynasties are bad for American politics even though he's the 5th member of his family to be the Governor of Rhode Island and 3rd to be a Senator that state.

Biggest Political Asset: Voters will never learn this about him because the major news networks don't even know that he's running.

Supporters: The coveted single issue metric system voting bloc.

Likely Spot at the Democratic Debates: 3rd row from the back, 2nd seat to the left.

Currently Polling: Not well, but he'll remind you that Hillary is only polling at 9% Celsius.



Did this one myself.