Formula of Embarrassment.

[oncemoreuntothejimbreech]

[HarleyDog]

(04-11-2022, 10:05 PM)jfkbengals Wrote:   Web at head level, and I walked right into it - face first.  

Dude - When I was going through my last divorce and really didn't give a shit about anything but alcohol, I had a similar incident. I was the only one staying at my house and half the furniture and shit was gone. Every night when I would drive home from work (4 beer drive), when I would enter into the living room (in the dark) I kept hitting a dang spider web with my head. After 3-4 consecutive nights, same door, same walk into, I was still having no luck locating the damn spider that kept creating the damn web. I took a broom nightly after the incidents and brushed it on the doorway and above it hoping it wouldn't happen again. But it kept going on. Then, the weekend came and with traffic there were no more webs and I forgot about it.

That Monday when I returned to work, I swear. This damn spider must have recruited some damn friends because they webbed together a thick ass web that I walked into. I swear I felt like I had stop cables wrapped around my head off an aircraft carrier. This spider was on me but I didnt know it. I was brushing my hands through my hair and across my shoulders to get rid of the web. Then, after grabbing a cold one, I felt something on my neck and that ***** ran fast into my hair. I looked like a damn idiot running and jumping around. Then out of the corner of my eyes I seen something fall to the floor and that big bastard took off. I ran after him screaming and stomping. Probably made two or three stomps before I finally squished his big juicy ass. Never forget that little bastard and the terror he wreaked on me that week.

[grampahol]

Wait'll you step face first into an orb spiders web with a 3" spider in it.. I've gotten used to them since we have hundreds around the place in the summer time, but these gigantic roaches some people call palmetto bugs that suddenly appear in the shower while I'm standing there butt naked that'll make me want to dirty up the shower floor really fast.. Those f*ckers are miniature dinosaurs..Every now and then one will climb in bed with us.. My wife thinks I've completely gone batshit crazy when that happens..  In fact I do just that.. 

[jfkbengals]

(04-12-2022, 02:12 PM)HarleyDog Wrote: Dude - When I was going through my last divorce and really didn't give a shit about anything but alcohol, I had a similar incident. I was the only one staying at my house and half the furniture and shit was gone. Every night when I would drive home from work (4 beer drive), when I would enter into the living room (in the dark) I kept hitting a dang spider web with my head. After 3-4 consecutive nights, same door, same walk into, I was still having no luck locating the damn spider that kept creating the damn web. I took a broom nightly after the incidents and brushed it on the doorway and above it hoping it wouldn't happen again. But it kept going on. Then, the weekend came and with traffic there were no more webs and I forgot about it.

That Monday when I returned to work, I swear. This damn spider must have recruited some damn friends because they webbed together a thick ass web that I walked into. I swear I felt like I had stop cables wrapped around my head off an aircraft carrier. This spider was on me but I didnt know it. I was brushing my hands through my hair and across my shoulders to get rid of the web. Then, after grabbing a cold one, I felt something on my neck and that ***** ran fast into my hair. I looked like a damn idiot running and jumping around. Then out of the corner of my eyes I seen something fall to the floor and that big bastard took off. I ran after him screaming and stomping. Probably made two or three stomps before I finally squished his big juicy ass. Never forget that little bastard and the terror he wreaked on me that week.

(04-12-2022, 04:53 PM)grampahol Wrote: Wait'll you step face first into an orb spiders web with a 3" spider in it.. I've gotten used to them since we have hundreds around the place in the summer time, but these gigantic roaches some people call palmetto bugs that suddenly appear in the shower while I'm standing there butt naked that'll make me want to dirty up the shower floor really fast.. Those f*ckers are miniature dinosaurs..Every now and then one will climb in bed with us.. My wife thinks I've completely gone batshit crazy when that happens..  In fact I do just that.. 

There's a lesson here.

No matter WHO you are, or WHERE you are, you are GOING to run face first into a web at some point or another!

[HarleyDog]

(04-13-2022, 08:40 PM)jfkbengals Wrote: There's a lesson here.

No matter WHO you are, or WHERE you are, you are GOING to run face first into a web at some point or another!

Yep. A web of lies, destruction, bad formulas, etc. 

WTF are my Ho Ho's?

[WiregrassBenGal]

So, this thread morphed from being about a funny Excel story to one about aggressive spiders and suffocating webs? The only successful Excel sheet I ever made was one that inventoried everything in my apartment and listed sellable values. Maybe I should do another one like that.

[XenoMorph]

(04-14-2022, 05:51 AM)WiregrassBenGal Wrote: So, this thread morphed from being about a funny Excel story to one about aggressive spiders and suffocating webs? The only successful Excel sheet I ever made was one that inventoried everything in my apartment and listed sellable values. Maybe I should do another one like that.

Keeping an inventory isnt a bad idea in case you need an insurance claim

[fredtoast]

(04-13-2022, 09:38 PM)HarleyDog Wrote: Yep. A web of lies, destruction, bad formulas, etc. 

WTF are my Ho Ho's?

A wad of spider webs will stop a wound from bleeding.

[oncemoreuntothejimbreech]

(04-12-2022, 04:53 PM)grampahol Wrote: Wait'll you step face first into an orb spiders web with a 3" spider in it.. I've gotten used to them since we have hundreds around the place in the summer time, but these gigantic roaches some people call palmetto bugs that suddenly appear in the shower while I'm standing there butt naked that'll make me want to dirty up the shower floor really fast.. Those f*ckers are miniature dinosaurs..Every now and then one will climb in bed with us.. My wife thinks I've completely gone batshit crazy when that happens..  In fact I do just that.. 

And when they take flight it sounds like a Blackhawk helicopter taking off. If I hear one I instinctively crouch down so I don't get decapitated by the rotors. They should be wired with speakers playing Ride of the Valkyries like in Apocalypse Now.

[HarleyDog]

(04-14-2022, 09:30 AM)XenoMorph Wrote: Keeping an inventory isnt a bad idea in case you need an insurance claim

Terrific Idea. I've learned this from experience.

(04-14-2022, 12:07 PM)fredtoast Wrote: A wad of spider webs will stop a wound from bleeding.

Interesting. But dang, how much is a wad?

[jfkbengals]

(04-14-2022, 03:46 PM)HarleyDog Wrote: Terrific Idea. I've learned this from experience.


Interesting. But dang, how much is a wad?

What exactly are you asking?

[grampahol]

(04-14-2022, 03:46 PM)HarleyDog Wrote: Terrific Idea. I've learned this from experience.


Interesting. But dang, how much is a wad?

Grab a handful of toilet paper, used or new...doesn't matter, curl it up in your fist then weigh it and carefully measure it. It will be at this point you'll realize you've completely lost your mind trying to determine wad size and at the same time worry that you may have confused it with the other colloquial use of wad..  wait..Wasn't there an actor named Wad Bond?   Maybe Ward.. Who cares? He's dead..probably run over by a wagon train.. 

[HarleyDog]

(04-26-2022, 12:07 PM)grampahol Wrote: Grab a handful of toilet paper, used or new...doesn't matter, curl it up in your fist then weigh it and carefully measure it. It will be at this point you'll realize you've completely lost your mind trying to determine wad size and at the same time worry that you may have confused it with the other colloquial use of wad..  wait..Wasn't there an actor named Wad Bond?   Maybe Ward.. Who cares? He's dead..probably run over by a wagon train.. 

The drugs you take must be fantastic.

[grampahol]

(04-26-2022, 03:14 PM)HarleyDog Wrote: The drugs you take must be fantastic.

They used to be. Now I just take heart and stomach medications.. See what happens when you get old? You have to rely on flashbacks from 30 years ago.. 

[fredtoast]

(04-26-2022, 12:07 PM)grampahol Wrote:  wait..Wasn't there an actor named Wad Bond?   Maybe Ward.. Who cares? He's dead..probably run over by a wagon train.. 

Johnny Wadd.

Died of AIDS.

[sandwedge]

Rats are my worst fear! I did 5 tours over in Afghanistan. I have been shot at a few times, but I had a rat jump out of a box, run up my arm and jump off my shoulder! I screamed liked a little school girl!!! I have never lived it down...