Candidate Profiles

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Retired neurosurgeon and rising conservative star Ben Carson announced his bid for the presidency Monday, the first African-American candidate of either major political party to do so. Here’s what you need to know about the Republican candidate:

Preferred Title: Dr. President Carson

Birthplace: Successfully overcome

Biggest Political Liability: Has admitted to cutting people’s bodies open with scalpel

Minority Appeal: You would think so, but no

First Thing He Does Each Morning: Decides whether to be gay or straight for next 24 hours

Likely Placement In Primary Debates: Halfway in frame on right side of screen

Nightmare: Getting arms, legs entangled in huge social safety net

Special Ability: Can flatten taxes with bare hands

Fun Fact: It technically possible that this individual might be president someday