Candidate Profiles

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Billionaire real estate mogul and television personality Donald Trump announced Tuesday plans to run in the 2016 presidential election, marking the first time he will formally seek the Republican nomination after floating the idea in several previous election cycles. Here are some key facts to know about Trump:

Wife: Unsatisfied
Net Worth: 3-4 presidential elections
Claim To Fame: First to refer to ISIS as “bozos”
Role: Billionaire who will have smallest impact on presidential race
Campaign Promise: Will turn America into an opulent destination for only the most exclusive citizens
Campaign Slogan: “I’m Going To Do This Every Four Years Until I Die”
Credentials: Proven job creator for desperate people who will do anything to be famous
Potential Liability: American people may not yet be progressive enough to elect mentally ill man
Vision For Presidency: 50 Miss USA finalists lined up along White House portico
Are We Just Enabling Him: Yes