The Art of Listening

[GMDino]

(07-29-2019, 02:08 PM)Bengalzona Wrote: I know you are playing Devil's Advocate here.

But your line also indicates someone approaching the situation with an agenda of changing the other person's mind. In fact, the agenda is so pronounced in the comments, it is almost assured to be noted and lead to rejection from the other party. As Xernona Clayton noted: "I didn't try to change his mind. I just listened."

The technique for successful listening relies on not having an agenda because to communicate an agenda, people generally have to speak. So step one in good listening is to divest yourself of the goal of leading the other party in a direction. Rather the goal should be to allow the person to express themselves, regardless of how ugly their thoughts are or how opposed to them you are, so that further conversations can go forward and be positive. That doesn't mean you have to agree with them or cover up what you believe. In most conversations, the other person is going to know or at least sense that you don't agree from the start. You just approach them with a sincere attitude that you just want to know more about why they feel the way they do and, more importantly, who they are as a person.

You also have to be able to back off of your own defensiveness.

That doesn't change anyone though.  I could listen to my brother in law tell me (over and over) that Obama was racist and he's not while not saying a word.  I could ask him why he burned crosses and why he thought there were "different kind of n*****s.  Some good and most lazy" and he wasn't going to see the error of his ways.

At some point I had engage in a conversation to suggest that his view needed adjusting.

I've studied interviewing and get where listening without an agenda comes from...and that's very helpful when trying to learn.  Even if it's to learn why someone is openly racist and denies it. But eventually they must be "confronted" to change the direction of their thoughts.  If your "agenda" is NOT to change minds of bad people...why listen at all?

The entire premise is that starting with listening with no agenda is a better way to convert people but that implies that you are only listening with the agenda of converting them.

Like I said, that might get a few fringe people, but not the ones in deep. And I'm using a big issue because it shows (to me) the error of the approach (and we're on a political board).  I might get someone to switch from Coke to Pepsi but not on the political issues of the day.