02-16-2018, 04:29 AM
This thread is for nothing more than shats and giggles. Really. I don't expect everyone to get a laugh or have fun with it, and I understand it's equal parts juvenile and ridiculous. I do. I just hope for those that don't share my sense of humor that they don't take anything said here as anything other than attempt at having some fun during the calm that is the month of Feb in the NFL.
Alright, so let me set the stage before I get going with this doosie of a topic. You're about to be offered an absurd hypothetical question, with a bunch of even more absurd stipulations attached to it. They are no right or wrong answers, and this requires about as little thought as possible. You can have fun with it, or not. No biggie. Add to it, change it, make it more absurd, just pop in to tell me to each shat and move along. Up to you...
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Scene #1: Katie Blackburn has just finalized a recent divorce from Troy. Despite all the money and complications involved, she has managed to keep full control of her shares and financial attachments to the team. For all intents and purposes, in this weird scenario, nothing changes in relation to the franchise, other than Troy hits the road. Maybe he walks with some settlement money and starts a vineyard. At this point in the story, all you have to know is Katie is single, and ready to mingle, and she's in the same position she is in now, sans Troy.
Scene #2: You meet Katie at whatever weird stuff she goes to. Let's just say, uh, you met here at some fancy party or a book club or something. She is immediately likes you, and she makes you an offer: Marry her, and she will bring you into the organization just like she did with Troy.
You go from whatever it is you are doing now to being in the front office of the Cincinnati Bengals. She sweetens the pot by offering actual influence over on the field decisions, once she takes over. She will have input into this team, and will be well compensated. She also agrees to a prenup that while not leaving you half, leaves you with 100 million dollars, after 5 years of marriage.
To quickly summarize... Katie is divorced, she wants the D (your D) so bad that she is willing to offer up quite a bit. You marry her, and you're obviously rich. Not at her or her father's level of wealth financially secure, but you'll still guaranteed to walk with more money than you know what to do with. You also get to be involved with your favorite NFL team. For some of you you're probably moving from some shat show of job that hate, to a dream job.
Tempting, huh? So, what's the catch? Well, here they are.
1.) Katie requires a lot of, shall we say, attention. Like it not, she has needs, and it is now your job to satisfy and meet said needs. At all times, whatever time of day, and whatever your mood, you must be prepared to satisfy her. No outside help, or enhancements, are to be used. You either can deliver or you can't. Maybe you have no problems taking on this role. Heck, maybe you welcome it. Although, maybe you're just taking one for the team too (pun 100% intended). Regardless, this is part of the gig.
2.) While privately valuing your opinion and treating you accordingly, publicly you are treated like dirt. I don't know her motivations matter here. Doesn't matter. It's just ust part of a funny puzzle.
She routinely berates you in front of other employees, and has no problem mocking you to any and all publications. She often calls you a little ***** in meetings, she orders you to fetch items, she basically orders you around any time you are in public. To everyone else, you are Katie's little *****, and are pitied.
3.) You have to go Fricsh's every single Weds for lunch with her dad and Jim Lippencott. Don't ask me why, you just do. Mike often makes you place an identical order to Lippencotts, which you are then forced to finish. If you can't keep up with King Fupa you can either try to purge to get ready for round 2, or you can walk home. Every single week, you're breaking bread with these two and you better bring your big boy pants pun again intended), because Lippy definitely brought his.
4.) You (Katie's now husband) are forced, just like Troy was, to give Mike a morning foot massage. This is to occur every single working day spent at PBS. You go into your office, turn on the lights, set you stuff down, then head on down to get all up in that old man's feet. This isn't some half-assed job either. He's got different lotions and creams you're to use, there's candles burning, and he's got Sinatra on the radio. It's not romantic, but he expects a professional and enthusiastic effort.
5.) You are to agree to Marvin farting in your face to start every single front office meeting, for the first two years of your employment. Apparently this is a typical gag played around the office, passed down through the years, and both Katie and Marvin thinks it sets a good example. This is act is made with both office morale and chain of command in mind. There is humor in it but it's about making you earn your place. Nothing crazy like him dropping trow, or spreading his cheeks. I want to keep this somewhat realistic. He walks in briskly, you're to lower your head to near butt level, and let's one loose when walking by. Everyone laughs, meeting starts. So when you sit in that chair at the big table, just remember that before you can weigh in, ol' Marv's got a hot side of something for you.
6.) Katie requires a two week solo vacation every 6 months. She goes nowhere in particular, and it's a stay-cation. The important thing is you are to be gone, nowhere near the home you share. You are to split these vacations living with Paul Alexander and Pacman Jones. One week with one, one week with the other. Their space, their rules, you do what they do.
7.) You have a decent spending allowance, which you can feel free to spend how you choose, with a few expectations.
-Katie chooses every single piece of clothing you have and wear.
-Katies chooses cars. You and Katie will be driving matching Kia Souls, one green, one yellow. Her lisc plate = Theboss. Yours = Sassy69
-You CANNOT use your money on anyone other than youself. No greater good, no washing off the shame of giving Mike a foot massage by doing the right thing and donating some of that money. No helping friends or family. The money cannot be shared outside of Brown family.
8.) Every year at the company Christmas party you have to sing an acapella ballad to Katie, surround by all team employees. No music, karoke, band, nothing. Just you, a mic, and whatever type of voice it is you offer. The song shall be no less than 4 minutes, and Katie chooses it for you each year.
So I think I've wasted enough to here, and have offered up enough wierdness at this point. So... knowing what you know, you taking the deal? While married, you live the life of a hundred millionaire, with the comfort of all things that affords. You're probably moving into a career that is of great interest to you. You can walk after 5 years of service with Carson Palmer money. The counter is you're routinely ridiculed, and are eating a healthy does of Giggles farts, and massaging old man feet. 100 mil vs having to be treated like a clown. Making sexy-time with an aging Katie vs choosing who to sign.
Are you becoming Mr. Katie Brown? (Oh yeah, I forgot, you take her last name too.) For some the answer is simple, and either way that's completely understandable. There's no debate to be had. But just remember what's at stake and it may become a tougher choice.
PS If you're married, and feel you can't contribute, just pretend like you lost your current wife to the swine flu or a train wreck or something. No reasons you can't tackle this one too.
Alright, so let me set the stage before I get going with this doosie of a topic. You're about to be offered an absurd hypothetical question, with a bunch of even more absurd stipulations attached to it. They are no right or wrong answers, and this requires about as little thought as possible. You can have fun with it, or not. No biggie. Add to it, change it, make it more absurd, just pop in to tell me to each shat and move along. Up to you...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene #1: Katie Blackburn has just finalized a recent divorce from Troy. Despite all the money and complications involved, she has managed to keep full control of her shares and financial attachments to the team. For all intents and purposes, in this weird scenario, nothing changes in relation to the franchise, other than Troy hits the road. Maybe he walks with some settlement money and starts a vineyard. At this point in the story, all you have to know is Katie is single, and ready to mingle, and she's in the same position she is in now, sans Troy.
Scene #2: You meet Katie at whatever weird stuff she goes to. Let's just say, uh, you met here at some fancy party or a book club or something. She is immediately likes you, and she makes you an offer: Marry her, and she will bring you into the organization just like she did with Troy.
You go from whatever it is you are doing now to being in the front office of the Cincinnati Bengals. She sweetens the pot by offering actual influence over on the field decisions, once she takes over. She will have input into this team, and will be well compensated. She also agrees to a prenup that while not leaving you half, leaves you with 100 million dollars, after 5 years of marriage.
To quickly summarize... Katie is divorced, she wants the D (your D) so bad that she is willing to offer up quite a bit. You marry her, and you're obviously rich. Not at her or her father's level of wealth financially secure, but you'll still guaranteed to walk with more money than you know what to do with. You also get to be involved with your favorite NFL team. For some of you you're probably moving from some shat show of job that hate, to a dream job.
Tempting, huh? So, what's the catch? Well, here they are.
1.) Katie requires a lot of, shall we say, attention. Like it not, she has needs, and it is now your job to satisfy and meet said needs. At all times, whatever time of day, and whatever your mood, you must be prepared to satisfy her. No outside help, or enhancements, are to be used. You either can deliver or you can't. Maybe you have no problems taking on this role. Heck, maybe you welcome it. Although, maybe you're just taking one for the team too (pun 100% intended). Regardless, this is part of the gig.
2.) While privately valuing your opinion and treating you accordingly, publicly you are treated like dirt. I don't know her motivations matter here. Doesn't matter. It's just ust part of a funny puzzle.
She routinely berates you in front of other employees, and has no problem mocking you to any and all publications. She often calls you a little ***** in meetings, she orders you to fetch items, she basically orders you around any time you are in public. To everyone else, you are Katie's little *****, and are pitied.
3.) You have to go Fricsh's every single Weds for lunch with her dad and Jim Lippencott. Don't ask me why, you just do. Mike often makes you place an identical order to Lippencotts, which you are then forced to finish. If you can't keep up with King Fupa you can either try to purge to get ready for round 2, or you can walk home. Every single week, you're breaking bread with these two and you better bring your big boy pants pun again intended), because Lippy definitely brought his.
4.) You (Katie's now husband) are forced, just like Troy was, to give Mike a morning foot massage. This is to occur every single working day spent at PBS. You go into your office, turn on the lights, set you stuff down, then head on down to get all up in that old man's feet. This isn't some half-assed job either. He's got different lotions and creams you're to use, there's candles burning, and he's got Sinatra on the radio. It's not romantic, but he expects a professional and enthusiastic effort.
5.) You are to agree to Marvin farting in your face to start every single front office meeting, for the first two years of your employment. Apparently this is a typical gag played around the office, passed down through the years, and both Katie and Marvin thinks it sets a good example. This is act is made with both office morale and chain of command in mind. There is humor in it but it's about making you earn your place. Nothing crazy like him dropping trow, or spreading his cheeks. I want to keep this somewhat realistic. He walks in briskly, you're to lower your head to near butt level, and let's one loose when walking by. Everyone laughs, meeting starts. So when you sit in that chair at the big table, just remember that before you can weigh in, ol' Marv's got a hot side of something for you.
6.) Katie requires a two week solo vacation every 6 months. She goes nowhere in particular, and it's a stay-cation. The important thing is you are to be gone, nowhere near the home you share. You are to split these vacations living with Paul Alexander and Pacman Jones. One week with one, one week with the other. Their space, their rules, you do what they do.
7.) You have a decent spending allowance, which you can feel free to spend how you choose, with a few expectations.
-Katie chooses every single piece of clothing you have and wear.
-Katies chooses cars. You and Katie will be driving matching Kia Souls, one green, one yellow. Her lisc plate = Theboss. Yours = Sassy69
-You CANNOT use your money on anyone other than youself. No greater good, no washing off the shame of giving Mike a foot massage by doing the right thing and donating some of that money. No helping friends or family. The money cannot be shared outside of Brown family.
8.) Every year at the company Christmas party you have to sing an acapella ballad to Katie, surround by all team employees. No music, karoke, band, nothing. Just you, a mic, and whatever type of voice it is you offer. The song shall be no less than 4 minutes, and Katie chooses it for you each year.
So I think I've wasted enough to here, and have offered up enough wierdness at this point. So... knowing what you know, you taking the deal? While married, you live the life of a hundred millionaire, with the comfort of all things that affords. You're probably moving into a career that is of great interest to you. You can walk after 5 years of service with Carson Palmer money. The counter is you're routinely ridiculed, and are eating a healthy does of Giggles farts, and massaging old man feet. 100 mil vs having to be treated like a clown. Making sexy-time with an aging Katie vs choosing who to sign.
Are you becoming Mr. Katie Brown? (Oh yeah, I forgot, you take her last name too.) For some the answer is simple, and either way that's completely understandable. There's no debate to be had. But just remember what's at stake and it may become a tougher choice.
PS If you're married, and feel you can't contribute, just pretend like you lost your current wife to the swine flu or a train wreck or something. No reasons you can't tackle this one too.
