Formula of Embarrassment.

[jfkbengals]

(04-11-2022, 02:38 PM)grampahol Wrote: Move to SC where we have gigantic orb spiders with webs that can cover half the front yard.. LOL  She's need more than a mere paper towel..more like 5 or 6 bed sheets.. They're basically harmless though..More entertaining than scary..  Although one did build a web across the opening of the back door once..I walked right into it and I may or may not have had a heart attack.. I'm not admitting to it either way.. 

True stories.

Almost 20 years ago.  House was on a very wooded lot, which was fine because it backed up to a school's softball field and the trees helped keep the balls from hitting the house.  But that meant lots of bugs.  Roommate and i were about to go catch last call one fine summer evening (okay, night), and we opened the front door to find it completely covered with a giant web.  "Fine", we said, "let's go out the back door and walk around".  Turned on the light to the back deck to find the entire french door coverd in web.  "Try the basement door?" my room mate asked.  "Nope, the back stairs from the basement are always covered in webs", I replied.  We didn't leave the house again until the next afternoon when we were certain the spiders were not on the webs.

Fast forward to last fall.  Current home. I had been complaining to my better half about shoulder pain for some time (frozen shoulder), but kept saying I wasn't ready to go to the doctor about it.  Opened the back door to go out and light the grill.  As I stepped through the door, I simultaneously turned on the light.  Should have done that first.  Web at head level, and I walked right into it - face first.  I yell obscenities, backing back into the house while raising up my arms to get the web out of my face.  That's when I felt the big ass spider on my hair on the right side of my head. Right side of my head, so naturally the right arm is closer to swat it off of me.  So natural reaction kicks in and I try to brush the thing off of my head, but that is the bad shoulder, and the pain of rapidly lifting my arm that high makes me shriek and drop to the floor in pain.  That's when she comes in to investigate what is happening.  I'm in too much pain to even speak, rolling around on the floor in agony trying to force out some words.  "Walked...   Face...   Web" or something similar is the only things I could muster.  She about falls to the floor in laughter, but then starts chastising me about needing to get to the doctor and stating how she didn't realize the problem was so bad.  Finally I was able to mutter the words "Spider on me", and she looked me over and said there was nothing on me.  Moments later she screamed when she saw the damn monstrosity with the 2" long body that had been sitting on top of my head, now crawling across the floor.  He died that day, buried at sea, or at least in the toilet, but I seriously considered impaling the bastard on a toothpick and leaving it at the door to warn others what would happen if they were to try the same thing.  I think the fact that they might put together an even bigger offensive is what led us to the aquatic burial.