(08-04-2021, 01:03 AM)BFritz21 Wrote: Before we got back into the car to drive back to the cemetery from the gas station, my best friend and I argued over who got shotgun.

I eventually let him have it, so we go back to the cemetery, go joy riding, wreck, and he walks away without a bruise.

After the wreck, when I eventually got out of the hospital five months after, I find out that he's been into drugs with the driver to cope but he still came around sometimes to take me to get fast food and whatever,  

We NEVER ONCE talked about he wreck.

He went to college at NKU and then moved out to California for a year or two and then came back but he has never tried to see me.  I have showed up at a bar a time or two when I've found out he'll be there but I've seen him under ten times in the past 15 or 20 years.  

He's staying at his parents' place while they're out of town and he has been at the bar behind my place the past few nights.

Two nights ago, I roll up when he's talking to some girl and he tells her how he was in the front seat when we wrecked, I was in the back, and how he walked away fine.  

I had to roll away because I started bawling crying as soon as I turned away, but I just thought he was going for a sympathy band, so I was ok with it.

Then, tonight, he shows up at the bar and we chat, laugh, and whatever.  On his way out, he tells a girl friend off mine that he was in the car and then walks out, so it's not like he was looking for the sympathy bang.  

Anyone have any idea what's going on?  Is he finally coping and finally able to talk about it or is he looking for sympathy bangs?

This was 20 years ago and I've been over it all for a long, long time, but do I check with him to make sure he's ok or what?

Anybody have any idea what's going on?  What should I do?

(08-04-2021, 08:33 AM)Sled21 Wrote: Stop "Rooster"  blocking the man and quit stalking him at bars???  J/K
Seriously though, if he wants to open up to you he will, you aren't going to do any good trying to force it.

(08-04-2021, 09:24 AM)Stewy Wrote: Sounds like he's coping as best he can.

It sounds like he has survivor's guilt (a serious issue), not looking to cash in.  If he never under went therapy for the guilt, then all the drugs and such afterward are him unconsciously trying to cope, IMO.

If you've really moved on and accepted life as is (not doubting you, but we don't live in your head), then if he wants to talk about it, be there for him.  Otherwise, I'd suggest letting it go.

(08-04-2021, 06:05 PM)Wes Mantooth Wrote: Brad, I'm sure it's something that is very difficult for him to talk about, and especially around you.

A couple of friends from my area and school got in a car wreck when they were like 16.  The driver died, and the passenger was in a coma for a long time but he ended up recovering.  I believe at the time the cops found weed in the car and they were rumored to have been speeding.  Translation = They were just being really dumb kids and they paid BIG time for it.

(08-04-2021, 06:05 PM)Wes Mantooth Wrote: Brad, I'm sure it's something that is very difficult for him to talk about, and especially around you.

A couple of friends from my area and school got in a car wreck when they were like 16.  The driver died, and the passenger was in a coma for a long time but he ended up recovering.  I believe at the time the cops found weed in the car and they were rumored to have been speeding.  Translation = They were just being really dumb kids and they paid BIG time for it.

Anways, the guy who lived went to my school and I'll still see him occassionally.  I've literally only heard him speak the other kid's name once in the 25 years since it happened.  And when he did that I was almost shocked.  Not that he went into some great detail about anything or we had some long conversation about him, but just hearing him say his name.  I think it's kind of been mutually understood between everyone to not bring up the other guy or the wreck when he's around.

Keep in mind, this kid wasn't even driving.  He was just there and suffered too.  But I can tell this is a super sensitive subject for him.  So much so that I think I remember hearing he avoided the other family after this all went down.  I don't even think they were mad at him, they just wanted to make sure he was ok (dude was in a coma and the hospital for like 6 months) but I don't think he could face them.

So as I'm writing this it's clear to me I have absolutely no answer for you.  I just think it's important to note that when stuff this heavy goes down people can cope and deal in many different ways.  I don't think it's always the easiest to get a read on it.  And as far as him getting into drugs or any of that, I'm sure your situation played into that, at least somewhat.

I can't imagine being involved in a situation like this, especially if something as trivial as who gets shotgun results in completely different consequences for two people.  I can only imagine what it's like for both of you.

(08-04-2021, 06:44 PM)SunsetBengal Wrote: Brad, all of you that were involved in that crash were permanently altered as a result.  Some in a physical state, like yourself, and others in their psychological/emotional state, like the man who was in the passenger seat.  Each of your lives was forever changed because of the events that transpired that night.

Why your friend took so long to talk about that night is not the issue, the fact that he has, is what is vital to the healing process.  Your physical injuries will never fully heal, but your psyche can.  Because you were forever altered from that crash does not mean that the crash is what defines you, as a man.  My advice would be to welcome the dialogue with your friend, embrace the fact that you can still have a relationship, and be supportive of one another moving forward.