11-03-2016, 01:50 AM
(10-31-2016, 04:32 PM)michaelsean Wrote: I hated everyone. I'd see people walking their dogs, and they looked happy an content. I hated them. I hated everyone I saw in the grocery. I'd see a man with his daughter walking and I'd think, "Do you know what you have?"
My 15 yr old son had a bone tumor that the Dr said was most likely NOT cancer. He showed all the reasons on the MRI, and yet he couldn't say 100% that it wasn't cancer. The way he talked said "Look there is a small chance that this is malignant, but I can't just say that." Having the O in OCD, I conjured up the worst. I went over every word he said. Sometimes it was reassuring, and sometimes it was devastating. My son had surgery last Wednesday, and finally today, 18 days later, we find out that it was benign.
It's scary how vulnerable we are as parents. There was very little chance he had cancer, and if it were cancer, chances were that removing the tumor would be the end of it, and yet I was a wreck for 18 days because there was a chance. Small as it was, there was a chance.
I know at least one person on this board has lost a child, and there may be more, but the entire time I've been a parent, I've never known how people survive that. In actuality I was nowhere close to losing my son, and deep down in my rational brain I knew it, yet impact was stunning.
I'm not even sure why I decided to write this, but as attentive as I believe I have been to my kids, there are some things I think I realized. During the times when I felt unbelievable dread, I realized all I want is happy, healthy kids. Everything else is noise. I was recently worrying whether my son would make his high school baseball team. I was thinking how many trips to the pitching coach do we need to make. Now? Hey my son just wants to play baseball, and if he doesn't make the high school team he still has his summer ball team, and I think he's fine with that, and so am I. I've made him play football in the past. Mainly because it's the one team you know you can make in high school. He sort of likes it sort of doesn't, not sure if he wants to play. Now I still think it's very good to be on a team in high school, and I will encourage it, but if he says he just doesn't want to play, then I'm ok with that. He will have to work a job if he doesn't play, but that's different I think.
I plan on not wasting some of the realizations that dawned on me.
So glad to hear that your son will be OK. I completely understand where you're coming from (everything else is just noise). I know some people here know that my son is diabetic, diagnosed when he was 4yo. I remember being devastated, but he just turned 16 this past August and has a happy life and does all the stupid things other teenagers do and I couldn't be happier. Well except he has to check his blood sugars and take insulin and he gets irritated sometimes with it. There are so many other children out there with medical conditions I couldn't fathom having to deal with. Best to you and yours.
