For 18 days...

[*rfaulk34*]

(10-31-2016, 04:32 PM)michaelsean Wrote: I hated everyone.  I'd see people walking their dogs, and they looked happy an content.  I hated them.  I hated everyone I saw in the grocery.  I'd see a man with his daughter walking and I'd think, "Do you know what you have?"

My 15 yr old son had a bone tumor that the Dr said was most likely NOT cancer.  He showed all the reasons on the MRI, and yet he couldn't say 100% that it wasn't cancer.  The  way he talked said "Look there is a small chance that this is malignant, but I can't just say that."  Having the O in OCD, I conjured up the worst.  I went over every word he said.  Sometimes it was reassuring, and sometimes it was devastating.  My son had surgery last Wednesday, and finally today, 18 days later, we find out that it was benign.  

It's scary how vulnerable we are as parents.  There was very little chance he had cancer, and if it were cancer, chances were that removing the tumor would be the end of it, and yet I was a wreck for 18 days because there was a chance.  Small as it was, there was a chance.  

I know at least one person on this board has lost a child, and there may be more, but the entire time I've been a parent, I've never known how people survive that.  In actuality I was nowhere close to losing my son, and deep down in my rational brain I knew it, yet impact was stunning.

I'm not even sure why I decided to write this, but as attentive as I believe I have been to my kids, there are some things I think I realized.  During the times when I felt unbelievable dread, I realized all I want is   happy, healthy kids.  Everything else is noise.  I was recently worrying whether my son would make his high school baseball team.  I was thinking how many trips to the pitching coach do we need to make.  Now?  Hey my son just wants to play baseball, and if he doesn't make the high school team he still has his summer ball team, and I think he's fine with that, and so am I.  I've made him play football in the past.  Mainly because it's the one team you know you can make in high school.  He sort of likes it sort of doesn't, not sure if he wants to play.  Now I still think it's very good to be on a team in high school, and I will encourage it, but if he says he just doesn't want to play, then I'm ok with that.  He will have to work a job if he doesn't play, but that's different I think.

I plan on not wasting some of the realizations that dawned on me.

Good to hear the good news!  :)

I understand completely what you were feeling. Yesterday was the 3rd anniversary of my son passing. Even now, when there's the the unknown that i'm aware of--recent example. A friend of my late son's, that he played basketball with in school, recently was injured at work and was in a coma for a time--i feel "something". That something is kind of hard to define because i'm certainly not hoping for bad news for others, but you kind of go 'yeah, i'm sure he/she will be fine' but inside i'm kind of jealous because they can still get good news and i can't. I'd never wish ill will or bad news on anyone, which is why i hate that feeling so much. But it's just kind of human nature. 

Here's to the many good times to come for you and your son! Enjoy them as much as you humanly can. :)