Letter to Katie Blackburn

[*Nately120*]

Dear Katie,

I realize your ol' man is making you like a bazillion bucks, but trust me, he's crap. I think you owe more to me, a total stranger who is under no actual obligation to support your brand, than you do to your own father. I beseech you, PLEASE go tell your father he is crap and that he should STOP everything he is doing. Is your mom still alive? If she is you should like, push her down the stairs or something. I feel like that would be a good course of action, too.

Also, I realize you have been a part of the Bengals organization for 50 years or something, but have you noticed that your father is a crappy GM and that you haven't won a playoff game since you looked like Kevin Bacon circa Footloose and NOT like old Kevin Bacon (as you look now)? You need to wake up. If I ran and NFL team I'd listen to me, unless me was Mike Brown, in which case I'd listen to me...me referring to the me that is me and not the me that is Mike Brown. Are you hearin' me?


Sincerely,

David Klingler's Left Testicle, PhD