How do you deal with loss?

[J24]

So I got word last night that one of my best friends died last night. Perfectly healthy guy who seemed to be in a good place in life.
It hurts a lot but I'm not sure I have grasped the reality that I will never seem again in this lifetime. I'm Heartbroken but I more numb than hysterical right now. I don't know if that's normal or if it's ok. I'm worried about my other friends right now because it's tough on them.
I'm mad myself wondering what I could have done differently?
All I know is this sucks; I'm sorry I guess really don't have a point just a dude in pain rambling on.

[sandwedge]

No simple answer my friend. We all deal with death in a different way. I've had unit members die that I had just talked to or just had a laugh with. Yeah probably different situation, but it hurts and sucks just the same.

[SunsetBengal]

It's tough to suddenly lose someone close to you. A few years ago, I had a cousin who was my same age, that I was close to growing up. He went from being healthy and active, to feeling ill on a weekend camping at a lake, to dead on Monday. Turns out that he had lived his entire life without knowing that his heart only had 3 valves. He was just 47. It hit me rather hard, like a message that let me know that no matter what, everything can end in the blink of an eye.

I'm not a particularly religious individual, but I do believe that there is a spirit inside of our Earthly bodies. I like to think that when we pass, our spirits live on. So the way to cope is to celebrate the life of the one you lost with the others that loved them, keep them alive in your heart, and try to find peace in the notion that their spirit may be in a better place.

[*jason*]

The numbness and inability to take it all in is definitely normal from any major loss. The short answer is there is no correct way to deal with losses like that. They hurt and they hurt like hell... Time takes care of it eventually, but some holes never get filled. You just learn to live with it.

Take care of yourself, cherish their memory, realize they're still with you, learn to take in all the good times as they happen in the moment, and accept that this isn't the last terrible thing you'll face.

Sorry to hear of this Jake... Hang in there my man.

[oncemoreuntothejimbreech]

One day at a time. Then one day you realize the loss doesn’t hurt as much.

[George Cantstandya]

I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I wish I could answer your question but I can't. I guess if I could offer anything it would be to try to remember your friend the best you can and how valuable that friendship was to you both. As for your other friends also affected by the loss try to be there for each other. I'm not good at this sort of thing but wanted to let you know I am sorry you lost a good friend. Loss of a loved one is never easy.

[Goalpost]

I lost both my parents but in a way I had a chance to prepare. Thirty years ago I was driving to work and found out on the radio that a friend of mine was killed in an auto accident. In a way it was worse because of the unexpectedness. It takes time but you will get past it.

[PikesPeakUC]

For me, I tried to keep myself busy after losing my Grandfather. I was lucky enough, for lack of a better term, that it was during basketball season and I coach high school basketball, so after taking a few days to grieve, I was able to go back into teaching and coaching and keep my mind off of it. I think having a good support system is key for a lot of people. My friends, family, and the students and players I coached really helped me get through it.

[fredtoast]

(04-18-2020, 08:30 PM)J24 Wrote: So I got word last night that one of my best friends died last night. Perfectly healthy guy who seemed to be in a good place in life.
It hurts a lot but I'm not sure I have grasped the reality that I will never seem again in this lifetime. I'm Heartbroken but I more numb than hysterical right now. I don't know if that's normal or if it's ok. I'm worried about my other friends right now because it's tough on them.
I'm mad myself wondering what I could have done differently?
All I know is this sucks; I'm sorry I guess really don't have a point just a dude in pain rambling on.

This sounds like a suicide.  If it was you need to reach out to his closest family members and friends.  They, like you, will be dealing with all sorts of questions about responsibility.  Some of them may be having big problems.

All deaths are difficult to deal with, but there are more likely to be guilt issues with suicides that really hurt a spouse or close loved one.

[*michaelsean*]

Unless you are talking about the loss of a child, which I don’t know how anyone deals with that, the short term it’s just going to suck, and then it gets easier. My two hardest losses were my friend committing suicide when we were 18 and my brother dying of cancer at 46. The world seems insanely wrong without them, and then it doesn’t. It sounds kind of uncaring, but you get used to it, and it becomes the normal.

My morbidly obese neighbor just died last week at 41. We weren’t best friends, but I did a lot of errands for he and his mom so I saw them a lot, and I go over and see her most days since he died, and it’s really weird. He’s been there for 25 years and now he’s not. Eventually it won’t be weird. It just happens.

[jfkbengals]

Because I have dealt with a disproportionate amount of losses in my life, I have found I do worse and worse with each one. But there is no easy way to deal with it. If there were, you would see it plastered on infomercials and web ads for only $19.99. Only time can heal the wounds, and the amount of time necessary changes with each occasion. But what helps the most in the long run is to not bottle it up inside...

[jfkbengals]

One other thought on the subject. Try to focus on the happy times of having the individual in your life, not the sad parts. In that way you can find yourself going from sadness to laughing about a joke they may have told, or smiling about an event you participated in together. It can definitely help boost your spirits.

[samhain]

People deal with it in their own individual ways. I'll say one thing: even if something as final as death isn't involved, people should take care to appreciate their time with people they love and identify with. It goes by fast and ends before you realize it's over in some cases. All you are left with is memories of better times and the realization that you can't recreate what brought you together.

The key to me seems to be realizing what you have when you have it and actively acknowledging it. Take nothing for granted. Don't allow yourself to get jaded.

I'm an extremely negative and introverted person, but I've found that being grateful for what you've experienced rather than reflecting on losses excessively will change the way you process things immensely. Grieving and processing of change/loss are healthy and normal, but it's easy to lose sight of the positive. A mentality without that acknowlegement can beat you down, eventually.

[reuben.ahmed]

I try to live my life in a part of the way they would have. One of my coworkers died in his early 20s, he was one of the biggest star wars geeks I had ever met. He wasn't able to see episode 1 (thankfully for him, maybe). He talked a lot about the show FireFly, I hadn't seen it until after he died. A woman driving a van collided with him at an intersection, she ran a red and Tboned his car into the telephone pole.

If their parents are still alive, I think it helps to write a small letter or call them to tell them a story about them. I knew my coworker/friend liked Final Fantasy a lot, so when I went to Japan I had bought a small figure of one of the characters and mailed it to his parents.

After that I don't take a day for granted, which usually means gardening or landscaping until the sun sets instead of waiting to do it tomorrow.

We're all going to die someday. It's cliche, don't know when, but better do whatever you wanted to do, right now if possible.

[reuben.ahmed]

(04-26-2020, 03:45 AM)samhain Wrote: I'm an extremely negative and introverted person

Welcome to the Bungles fanclub.

[grampahol]

I went through a period when my friends and some family were dying left and right. In a two year period I lost 4 friends, my mother and a few others I knew and I was sure that I was next since I struggled with addiction and other problems. Poverty was a problem and I had to leave the state and my family behind which eventually led to the breakup between myself and my wife at the time. It took me about 10 years just to get some semblence of normalcy back and to this day I find it hard to express how I feel towards people, even my current old lady. I became a caregiver for three different old people and now they've all passed away and my own health isn't doing that great, but I'm still kicking. Best I can tell you is to try to find things in this life that give you joy and appreciate the little things that make you get up in the morning to put your pants on and go about your day. 

[oncemoreuntothejimbreech]

(04-25-2020, 10:32 AM)jfkbengals Wrote: One other thought on the subject.  Try to focus on the happy times of having the individual in your life, not the sad parts.  In that way you can find yourself going from sadness to laughing about a joke they may have told, or smiling about an event you participated in together.  It can definitely help boost your spirits.

I agree with this.



We're sad because of the loss.  We wouldn't feel that if it wasn't for all the good.  This is just a simple cartoon, but it has helped me to focus on the good when I feel the sadness and the loss. It helps change your perspective because we are lucky to have special people in our lives. So try to focus on that.

[guyofthetiger]

A lot of people think there is a stigma going to a grievance counselor. There is not. Grieving is a natural process and it is important to go through it completely for a loved one. Accept the help if needed. We all die and a lot of times another's death makes you think of your own mortality. I am a Christian and believe in eternal life.

[Hammerstripes]

Oh, boy, let me take a shot at this one. As several of you know, I lost a 5 month old son in 2013. He was a twin to my middle son.

I look back on that time and I was just numb the whole day, and then when the nights rolled around, I was just crushed and cried - a lot. Don't be afraid to let your emotions out. There's nothing wrong with crying or venting. I would be worried if you lost someone close to you and you didn't break down occasionally. It's natural and it's healthy.

I was lucky to have a 3 year old and his 5 month old twin brother at the time. It kept me so busy that I didn't have much time to think about how my heart had just been shattered. Now, this next part is just how I dealt with it. I prayed a lot. I also talked to my son that I lost. I believe in God and I believe in people going to heaven. If you don't, that's ok, it's all in how you see things. For me, it gave me the comfort and stability to try to deal with my grief.

Eventually the pain will start to become less severe. I still think about my son every day. I can't go to the cemetery to this day because I break down and cry uncontrollably, but I still spend time "talking" with him every night.

There is no right answer and no magic formula, but don't be afraid to talk to someone. You'd be surprised at who comes out of the woodwork and really helps you out. I had a friend that I hadn't talked to in 15 years that called me out of the blue in June that summer (my son died in October). She was like a little sister to me. Turns out that her dad gets diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on September 11 and my son dies on October 19th. Her dad died on January 5th. We got each other through that and we really haven't talked much since, but there's no doubt that she was placed back in my life and me in hers for a reason.

[Storer50]

I'm wierd when it comes to grief. I am bipolar, and my empathy isn't what it should be. Lost my mom a few months ago. Knew it was coming, but the whole viewing, funeral left me just worn down, more so than I have ever been. I broke down for a few minutes a few times, but that was it. When my sister was murdered last year, I was a wreck for about half an hour then just went on. Hardest part is knowing I'm not reacting the right way.

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