Candidate Profiles

[BmorePat87]

Texas senator Ted Cruz announced Monday that he will run for president in 2016, becoming the first Republican politician to officially declare his candidacy. Here is what you should know about the first-term senator:

Political Positions: Deafening

Ethnicity: White enough

Supporters: Those people from high school who got married when they were 18

Speaks: Spanish, English, Tongues

Campaign Slogan: “I’m Ted Cruz”

Likelihood Of Becoming President: Huckabeesque

Campaign Platform: Be a distraction for a few months

Largest Obstacles To Nomination: Scott Walker, Rand Paul, five seconds of scrutiny

Could Be Fun To Watch As Campaign Sputters Along: Sure

Number Of Presidential Runs Left In Him: Ugh, at least three or four