Ray Lewis III Is Evolving Into His Old Man!

[BFritz21]

(05-23-2016, 08:31 PM)Harmening Wrote: Put it back up on this site, and we can look at it again.

My website's down or I happily would.

(05-23-2016, 08:49 PM)BigPapaKain Wrote: I bet it's because it was written like shit.

Nope.  

Like I said, he took the one opening sentence that had three independent clauses (which they weren't even true independent clauses because the first one definitely didn't sound good on its own, and then the other two were connected with a conjunction, which is allowed), and then he decided to take out every conjunction in the thing and it sounded choppy as hell like someone didn't know how to finish a thought.

Here was the opening:

Quote:It has been a while since my last post, I am still presenting a lot and I love doing it.

That's debatable, but it could have been easily fixed by adding a "but" after the comma, making it:

Quote:It has been a while since my last post, but I am still presenting a lot and I love doing it.

He changed it to three separate sentences, and then he did it throughout the post and eliminated conjunctions to stick with his independent clause theme.
His didn't sound like a confident adult, but more like a teenage cheerleader.