Might take a moment to get this one, especially if you're young.

(06-18-2015, 10:48 PM)SunsetBengal Wrote: Might take a moment to get this one, especially if you're young.

Ohhh yeeaahh.

(06-18-2015, 06:52 PM)masonbengals fan Wrote: A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes!"

So, the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant, was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light!"

He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly so everyone in the restaurant could hear.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and began to praise the Lord.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."

The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, he raised his hands and he, too, began to praise the Lord.

Then, Jesus walked, with a huge smile on his face, towards the Democrat.



The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me....... I'm on disability."

Methinks there was a variant of this joke in Monty Python's Life of Brian circa 1979, no?  Michael Palin's character complained that Jesus healing him hurt his business as a beggar.

(06-19-2015, 01:20 PM)Nately120 Wrote: Methinks there was a variant of this joke in Monty Python's Life of Brian circa 1979, no?  Michael Palin's character complained that Jesus healing him hurt his business as a beggar.

If he is an evangelical, he probably didn't see that little gem.

I simply copied & pasted a good joke off of another website I often visit.

(06-19-2015, 02:55 PM)masonbengals fan Wrote: I simply copied & pasted a good joke off of another website I often visit.

Ah, here it is.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REUukm_WQJI

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all blood shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn.
In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes were blood shot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said.
They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.
Bob sat up and watched me all night."

(06-19-2015, 06:13 PM)SunsetBengal Wrote:

Pete Rose?

Jack Schitt

 
Many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
 
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, “You don't know Jack Schitt.”
 
Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
 
Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
 
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
 
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
 
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.


The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, “You don't know Jack Schitt,” you can correct them.
 
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

Retired Husband

 
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart.
 
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
 
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.
 
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart:
 
Dear Mrs. Bartels:
 
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Bartels, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
 
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
 
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
 
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
 
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."
 
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a "Code 3."
 
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
 
6. August 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
 
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the Camping Department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the Bedding Department, to which twenty children obliged.
 
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" EMT's were called.
 
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
 
10. September 10: While handling guns in the Hunting Department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
 
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the Mission Impossible theme song.
 
12. October 6: In the Auto Department, he practiced his "Madonna Look" using different sizes of funnels.
 
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
 
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
 
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked, "Where is the fitting room?"
 
And last, but not least:
 
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here." One of the clerks passed out.