This thread is for nothing more than shats and giggles. Really. I don't expect everyone to get a laugh or have fun with it, and I understand it's equal parts juvenile and ridiculous. I do. I just hope for those that don't share my sense of humor that they don't take anything said here as anything other than attempt at having some fun during the calm that is the month of Feb in the NFL.

Alright, so let me set the stage before I get going with this doosie of a topic. You're about to be offered an absurd hypothetical question, with a bunch of even more absurd stipulations attached to it. They are no right or wrong answers, and this requires about as little thought as possible. You can have fun with it, or not. No biggie. Add to it, change it, make it more absurd, just pop in to tell me to each shat and move along.  Up to you...

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Scene #1: Katie Blackburn has just finalized a recent divorce from Troy. Despite all the money and complications involved, she has managed to keep full control of her shares and financial attachments to the team. For all intents and purposes, in this weird scenario, nothing changes in relation to the franchise, other than Troy hits the road. Maybe he walks with some settlement money and starts a vineyard.  At this point in the story, all you have to know is Katie is single, and ready to mingle, and she's in the same position she is in now, sans Troy.

Scene #2: You meet Katie at whatever weird stuff she goes to. Let's just say, uh, you met here at some fancy party or a book club or something. She is immediately likes you, and she makes you an offer:  Marry her, and she will bring you into the organization just like she did with Troy.  

You go from whatever it is you are doing now to being in the front office of the Cincinnati Bengals.  She sweetens the pot by offering actual influence over on the field decisions, once she takes over. She will have input into this team, and will be well compensated.  She also agrees to a prenup that while not leaving you half, leaves you with 100 million dollars, after 5 years of marriage.

To quickly summarize... Katie is divorced, she wants the D (your D) so bad that she is willing to offer up quite a bit. You marry her, and you're obviously rich. Not at her or her father's level of wealth financially secure, but you'll still guaranteed to walk with more money than you know what to do with. You also get to be involved with your favorite NFL team. For some of you you're probably moving from some shat show of job that hate, to a dream job.

Tempting, huh?  So, what's the catch?  Well, here they are.

1.) Katie requires a lot of, shall we say, attention.  Like it not, she has needs, and it is now your job to satisfy and meet said needs. At all times, whatever time of day, and whatever your mood, you must be prepared to satisfy her.  No outside help, or enhancements, are to be used. You either can deliver or you can't. Maybe you have no problems taking on this role. Heck, maybe you welcome it. Although, maybe you're just taking one for the team too (pun 100% intended). Regardless, this is part of the gig.

2.) While privately valuing your opinion and treating you accordingly, publicly you are treated like dirt. I don't know her motivations matter here. Doesn't matter. It's just ust part of a funny puzzle.

She routinely berates you in front of other employees, and has no problem mocking you to any and all publications. She often calls you a little ***** in meetings, she orders you to fetch items, she basically orders you around any time you are in public. To everyone else, you are Katie's little *****, and are pitied.

3.) You have to go Fricsh's every single Weds for lunch with her dad and Jim Lippencott.  Don't ask me why, you just do. Mike often makes you place an identical order to Lippencotts, which you are then forced to finish. If you can't keep up with King Fupa you can either try to purge to get ready for round 2, or you can walk home. Every single week, you're breaking bread with these two and you better bring your big boy pants pun again intended), because Lippy definitely brought his.

4.) You (Katie's now husband) are forced, just like Troy was, to give Mike a morning foot massage. This is to occur every single working day spent at PBS. You go into your office, turn on the lights, set you stuff down, then head on down to get all up in that old man's feet. This isn't some half-assed job either. He's got different lotions and creams you're to use, there's candles burning, and he's got Sinatra on the radio. It's not romantic, but he expects a professional and enthusiastic effort.

5.) You are to agree to Marvin farting in your face to start every single front office meeting, for the first two years of your employment.  Apparently this is a typical gag played around the office, passed down through the years, and both Katie and Marvin thinks it sets a good example.  This is act is made with both office morale and chain of command in mind. There is humor in it but it's about making you earn your place. Nothing crazy like him dropping trow, or spreading his cheeks. I want to keep this somewhat realistic. He walks in briskly, you're to lower your head to near butt level, and let's one loose when walking by. Everyone laughs, meeting starts.  So when you sit in that chair at the big table, just remember that before you can weigh in, ol' Marv's got a hot side of something for you.

6.) Katie requires a two week solo vacation every 6 months. She goes nowhere in particular, and it's a stay-cation. The important thing is you are to be gone, nowhere near the home you share. You are to split these vacations living with Paul Alexander and Pacman Jones. One week with one, one week with the other. Their space, their rules, you do what they do.

7.) You have a decent spending allowance, which you can feel free to spend how you choose, with a few expectations.  

-Katie chooses every single piece of clothing you have and wear.
-Katies chooses cars. You and Katie will be driving matching Kia Souls, one green, one yellow. Her lisc plate = Theboss. Yours = Sassy69
-You CANNOT use your money on anyone other than youself. No greater good, no washing off the shame of giving Mike a foot massage by doing the right thing and donating some of that money. No helping friends or family. The money cannot be shared outside of Brown family.

8.) Every year at the company Christmas party you have to sing an acapella ballad to Katie, surround by all team employees. No music, karoke, band, nothing.  Just you, a mic, and whatever type of voice it is you offer. The song shall be no less than 4 minutes, and Katie chooses it for you each year.

So I think I've wasted enough to here, and have offered up enough wierdness at this point.  So... knowing what you know, you taking the deal?  While married, you live the life of a hundred millionaire, with the comfort of all things that affords. You're probably moving into a career that is of great interest to you.  You can walk after 5 years of service with Carson Palmer money.  The counter is you're routinely ridiculed, and are eating a healthy does of Giggles farts, and massaging old man feet.  100 mil vs having to be treated like a clown.  Making sexy-time with an aging Katie vs choosing who to sign.

Are you becoming Mr. Katie Brown?  (Oh yeah, I forgot, you take her last name too.)  For some the answer is simple, and either way that's completely understandable. There's no debate to be had. But just remember what's at stake and it may become a tougher choice. 

PS If you're married, and feel you can't contribute, just pretend like you lost your current wife to the swine flu or a train wreck or something.  No reasons you can't tackle this one too.

Please keep your fetish fantasies in your diary rather than the MB

I guess it's only fair I weigh in here, then finally off to bed. So, fwiw, I'm all over that deal, if only for prenup money alone.

The influence means very little to me, and the life of luxury lived while with her would be more than ruined by the literal shit I'm forced to eat. (Note: You better believe a daily does of Marv's farts, whether through the pants or not, is resulting some fecal matter being passed into my face. I've seen enough on grocery stores and what passes through the store, and namely on carts, to do know that, whether it's microscopic or not, Marv is giving me a faceful than more than just hot air.) But that walking away money.... yeah, no brainer to me. I'd only be in my mid 40's, with a 9 figure bank account.

Honestly, you don't probably want to know what I'd do to or for Katie, or probably even Kevin Bacon for that matter, for that type of coin. Probably nothing immoral or anything that hurts anyone else, but I'm willing to be the court gesture, and I'll give that frigid woman everything I possibly can.

I'm just a material boy living in a material world....

(02-16-2018, 04:42 AM)treee Wrote: Please keep your fetish fantasies in your diary rather than the MB

Ummmm....well....I would....hmmmm. I think....no...what was the question?

Do I get to prepare breakfast for everyone?

I am all in (but sure don;t want to be single just yet), you had me after influence of the on field decisions. I married for love 1st time (still marred 42+ years now so only way I would every consider another woman would be money and power, I can do 5 years of hard labor for 100 million dollars.

(02-16-2018, 04:29 AM)Wes Mantooth Wrote: This thread is for nothing more than shats and giggles. Really. I don't expect everyone to get a laugh or have fun with it, and I understand it's equal parts juvenile and ridiculous. I do. I just hope for those that don't share my sense of humor that they don't take anything said here as anything other than attempt at having some fun during the calm that is the month of Feb in the NFL.

Alright, so let me set the stage before I get going with this doosie of a topic. You're about to be offered an absurd hypothetical question, with a bunch of even more absurd stipulations attached to it. They are no right or wrong answers, and this requires about as little thought as possible. You can have fun with it, or not. No biggie. Add to it, change it, make it more absurd, just pop in to tell me to each shat and move along.  Up to you...

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Scene #1: Katie Blackburn has just finalized a recent divorce from Troy. Despite all the money and complications involved, she has managed to keep full control of her shares and financial attachments to the team. For all intents and purposes, in this weird scenario, nothing changes in relation to the franchise, other than Troy hits the road. Maybe he walks with some settlement money and starts a vineyard.  At this point in the story, all you have to know is Katie is single, and ready to mingle, and she's in the same position she is in now, sans Troy.

Scene #2: You meet Katie at whatever weird stuff she goes to. Let's just say, uh, you met here at some fancy party or a book club or something. She is immediately likes you, and she makes you an offer:  Marry her, and she will bring you into the organization just like she did with Troy.  

You go from whatever it is you are doing now to being in the front office of the Cincinnati Bengals.  She sweetens the pot by offering actual influence over on the field decisions, once she takes over. She will have input into this team, and will be well compensated.  She also agrees to a prenup that while not leaving you half, leaves you with 100 million dollars, after 5 years of marriage.

To quickly summarize... Katie is divorced, she wants the D (your D) so bad that she is willing to offer up quite a bit. You marry her, and you're obviously rich. Not at her or her father's level of wealth financially secure, but you'll still guaranteed to walk with more money than you know what to do with. You also get to be involved with your favorite NFL team. For some of you you're probably moving from some shat show of job that hate, to a dream job.

Tempting, huh?  So, what's the catch?  Well, here they are.

1.) Katie requires a lot of, shall we say, attention.  Like it not, she has needs, and it is now your job to satisfy and meet said needs. At all times, whatever time of day, and whatever your mood, you must be prepared to satisfy her.  No outside help, or enhancements, are to be used. You either can deliver or you can't. Maybe you have no problems taking on this role. Heck, maybe you welcome it. Although, maybe you're just taking one for the team too (pun 100% intended). Regardless, this is part of the gig.

2.) While privately valuing your opinion and treating you accordingly, publicly you are treated like dirt. I don't know her motivations matter here. Doesn't matter. It's just ust part of a funny puzzle.

She routinely berates you in front of other employees, and has no problem mocking you to any and all publications. She often calls you a little ***** in meetings, she orders you to fetch items, she basically orders you around any time you are in public. To everyone else, you are Katie's little *****, and are pitied.

3.) You have to go Fricsh's every single Weds for lunch with her dad and Jim Lippencott.  Don't ask me why, you just do. Mike often makes you place an identical order to Lippencotts, which you are then forced to finish. If you can't keep up with King Fupa you can either try to purge to get ready for round 2, or you can walk home. Every single week, you're breaking bread with these two and you better bring your big boy pants pun again intended), because Lippy definitely brought his.

4.) You (Katie's now husband) are forced, just like Troy was, to give Mike a morning foot massage. This is to occur every single working day spent at PBS. You go into your office, turn on the lights, set you stuff down, then head on down to get all up in that old man's feet. This isn't some half-assed job either. He's got different lotions and creams you're to use, there's candles burning, and he's got Sinatra on the radio. It's not romantic, but he expects a professional and enthusiastic effort.

5.) You are to agree to Marvin farting in your face to start every single front office meeting, for the first two years of your employment.  Apparently this is a typical gag played around the office, passed down through the years, and both Katie and Marvin thinks it sets a good example.  This is act is made with both office morale and chain of command in mind. There is humor in it but it's about making you earn your place. Nothing crazy like him dropping trow, or spreading his cheeks. I want to keep this somewhat realistic. He walks in briskly, you're to lower your head to near butt level, and let's one loose when walking by. Everyone laughs, meeting starts.  So when you sit in that chair at the big table, just remember that before you can weigh in, ol' Marv's got a hot side of something for you.

6.) Katie requires a two week solo vacation every 6 months. She goes nowhere in particular, and it's a stay-cation. The important thing is you are to be gone, nowhere near the home you share. You are to split these vacations living with Paul Alexander and Pacman Jones. One week with one, one week with the other. Their space, their rules, you do what they do.

7.) You have a decent spending allowance, which you can feel free to spend how you choose, with a few expectations.  

-Katie chooses every single piece of clothing you have and wear.
-Katies chooses cars. You and Katie will be driving matching Kia Souls, one green, one yellow. Her lisc plate = Theboss. Yours = Sassy69
-You CANNOT use your money on anyone other than youself. No greater good, no washing off the shame of giving Mike a foot massage by doing the right thing and donating some of that money. No helping friends or family. The money cannot be shared outside of Brown family.

8.) Every year at the company Christmas party you have to sing an acapella ballad to Katie, surround by all team employees. No music, karoke, band, nothing.  Just you, a mic, and whatever type of voice it is you offer. The song shall be no less than 4 minutes, and Katie chooses it for you each year.

So I think I've wasted enough to here, and have offered up enough wierdness at this point.  So... knowing what you know, you taking the deal?  While married, you live the life of a hundred millionaire, with the comfort of all things that affords. You're probably moving into a career that is of great interest to you.  You can walk after 5 years of service with Carson Palmer money.  The counter is you're routinely ridiculed, and are eating a healthy does of Giggles farts, and massaging old man feet.  100 mil vs having to be treated like a clown.  Making sexy-time with an aging Katie vs choosing who to sign.

Are you becoming Mr. Katie Brown?  (Oh yeah, I forgot, you take her last name too.)  For some the answer is simple, and either way that's completely understandable. There's no debate to be had. But just remember what's at stake and it may become a tougher choice. 

PS If you're married, and feel you can't contribute, just pretend like you lost your current wife to the swine flu or a train wreck or something.  No reasons you can't tackle this one too.

You forgot to mention that within the 1st year of accepting this deal, Katie will bear the person who accepts TWIN BOYS that from birth will be the spitting image of Mike Brown.

Will look exactly like Mike from birth and throughout their lives (Kindergarten/Grade School/Junior High) and beyond with similar voices and mannerisms as Mike.

They will both be good at acquiring Wealth and will each work Overtime to try to get Control of the team away from you while also seeking ways to strike some kind of deal with you that leaves you penniless.

P.S.  Katie will be a big believer in male breast feeding which you will be required to do for your Mike look alike Twins. They may require you to do it at any time until they reach the age of 18 and you will have to go to their schools at Lunch time so they can save some CASH by pocketing their Milk money which will be appealing to them.  

Heck, I'd do it. But on only one condition. When it comes to item 5, the routine MUST go with me calling Merv a smart fellow in which he replies "And you're a fart smeller" prior to him farting in my face.

Script for Any Given Sunday Part II but this time as a comedy.

Are you serious? This is just like my real life except the being rich and control of the Bengals part.

If I can quote Henry Hill from Goodfellas:.... " Every once in awhile I had to take a fart in the nose but the way I see it , everyone has to take a fart in the nose every once in awhile."

Count me in

(02-16-2018, 04:29 AM)Wes Mantooth Wrote: Scene #2: You meet Katie at whatever weird stuff she goes to. Let's just say, uh, you met here at some fancy party or a book club or something.

Everyone knows the only place to meet Katie Blackburn is the Kevin Bacon Doppelganger convention.

(02-16-2018, 01:27 PM)ochocincos Wrote: Everyone knows the only place to meet Katie Blackburn is the Kevin Bacon Doppelganger convention.

Oh my God I almost died laughing!  I could see her doing the footloose dance after an intense session in the bedroom!!

(02-16-2018, 02:35 PM)bengalhoel Wrote: Oh my God I almost died laughing!  I could see her doing the footloose dance after an intense session in the bedroom!!

I remember the old days like a decade ago on old boards where we had Dopperganger threads.
I might just be bringing those back this upcoming season...

You lost me at Alexander.

Couldn't do it man, too rough lmao!

I don't like anyone telling me what to do, hence why i am single.

Made me about puke talking about fulfilling Katie's needs then it just got even worse lol

Sounds a whole lot like selling your soul to the devil, never worth it.

Can it be an open marriage?

(02-16-2018, 05:52 PM)Jakeypoo Wrote: Can it be an open marriage?

Yes, but probably it's probably not going to be enough of a positive to push over.  Let's see...

You guys do swing a bit, and you're allowed to stray as long as the woman (or man I suppose) is in your swingers group.  You Katie are in this group with the following people, and you're allowed some fun one weekend a month.

Couple 1 - Katie + JN Poster
Couple 2 - Leah Dunham and her hipster boyfriend.
Couple 3 - Oprah and Stedmen
Couple 4 - Rose O'Donnel and her wife
Couple 5 - A lovely dwarf couple.
Wildcard - Mark Davis, owner of the Oakland Raiders

(02-16-2018, 03:24 PM)Wyche Wrote: You lost me at Alexander.

The week of your stay you guys always use the time as an ethnic food adventure.  A whole lot of Indian food (so much so that Paul is diving into leftover Curry for breakfast). You guys eat Ethopian, Mexican, Chinese, on down the list.  Lotta foods not found in Americanized places, all of it spicy, and much of it from street vendors.

Paul treats you to the food, and goes out of his way to welcome you into his home.  Real nice house, and you get a big bedroom. The only negative with the home is that he only has one working bathroom and the exhaust fan is broken.

Paul has a 70" 4k TV with the best cable package you can get.  He's down for watching sports, 80's comedies, and he's got a fridge in the garage stocked full of beer. 

Every evening before bed he'll play a few bars on the old piano and make the following comment "You know I can tickle the keys, but I can tickle a whole lot more too."  Then he'll giggle and pretend like he was kidding. Sometimes you wake with him standing in your doorway in tighty whities, just heavily breathing. He'll claim this is a result of a nightmare, but his massive erection leaves you doubting that.

All expenses are paid, and you slowly find Paul to be pretty fun to hang with.  So yeah, lot's a great food, big ol TV, and as much beer as you want. 

You wanna change your stance on the Paul situation, or are you standing pat with a definitive "no effin way"?

(02-16-2018, 05:00 PM)Nate (formerly eliminate08) Wrote:

Sounds a whole lot like selling your soul to the devil, never worth it.

I'd probably go with the devil. Sure, he's going to take my soul some day, but at least he lets me keep my dignity. No one goes to the Crossroads to get farted on, just sign their name in blood. I'll take the latter 10/10 times.