Bar Stories

[Nebuchadnezzar]

So one night on my way home from work a long long time ago, I drive past a bar that my brother frequents and notice his car in the lot. I decide to stop in to say hello and get a Coke since I don't drink anything but Jack Daniels and I was driving home.

The bar sits in the middle of the floor and people can sit on all four sides plus there is a sort of dance floor, piano, pool table and tables and chairs all around. I walk in and see my brother right away so I walk over to say hello then walk over to the bar to sit down and order myself a Coke. There is no one at the bar except for myself and two guys on the other side across from me.


I get my Coke and tell the bartender that my brother was paying for it, lol, and he walks away. That's when an old friend sits down right next to me and he has a little buzz going and he says, "Hey Neb, havent seen you in a while." I say "Holy smokes, what are you doing here?".


He gets up and walks away for about 10 seconds then comes back with his beer.


He sits back down and in a low voice he says, "You know, you shouldn't be sitting by me." 
I say, "Joe, I wasn't sitting by you, you are sitting by me."
He says, "Seriously, you should be sitting by me."
So now I'm intrigued by what's going on so I say, "Ok, why shouldn't I be sitting by you?"
He says, "I'm about to get into a fight, I'm going to kick someone's ass."


By this time, my brother walks over and he's on the other side of me and I hang my head, sigh and look at my brother who just shakes his head.


I then ask Joe "ok, who's ass are you getting ready to kick?"


Joe then stands up and yells, "THAT MOTHER F_____ RIGHT OVER THERE!"


That's when the bartender starts yelling, "IF YOU GUYS DON'T STOP, IM KICKING YOU OUT OF HERE!"


It reminded me of a movie where everyone knows each other and just got heated about something stupid.

[HarleyDog]

(08-19-2017, 03:03 AM)Nebuchadnezzar Wrote: So one night on my way home from work a long long time ago, I drive past a bar that my brother frequents and notice his car in the lot. I decide to stop in to say hello and get a Coke since I don't drink anything but Jack Daniels and I was driving home.

The bar sits in the middle of the floor and people can sit on all four sides plus there is a sort of dance floor, piano, pool table and tables and chairs all around. I walk in and see my brother right away so I walk over to say hello then walk over to the bar to sit down and order myself a Coke. There is no one at the bar except for myself and two guys on the other side across from me.


I get my Coke and tell the bartender that my brother was paying for it, lol, and he walks away. That's when an old friend sits down right next to me and he has a little buzz going and he says, "Hey Neb, havent seen you in a while." I say "Holy smokes, what are you doing here?".


He gets up and walks away for about 10 seconds then comes back with his beer.


He sits back down and in a low voice he says, "You know, you shouldn't be sitting by me." 
I say, "Joe, I wasn't sitting by you, you are sitting by me."
He says, "Seriously, you should be sitting by me."
So now I'm intrigued by what's going on so I say, "Ok, why shouldn't I be sitting by you?"
He says, "I'm about to get into a fight, I'm going to kick someone's ass."


By this time, my brother walks over and he's on the other side of me and I hang my head, sigh and look at my brother who just shakes his head.


I then ask Joe "ok, who's ass are you getting ready to kick?"


Joe then stands up and yells, "THAT MOTHER F_____ RIGHT OVER THERE!"


That's when the bartender starts yelling, "IF YOU GUYS DON'T STOP, IM KICKING YOU OUT OF HERE!"


It reminded me of a movie where everyone knows each other and just got heated about something stupid.

So what happened to the Priest, the Rabbi and the Minister? You didn't mention them?

[jfkbengals]

(08-19-2017, 09:13 AM)HarleyDog Wrote: So what happened to the Priest, the Rabbi and the Minister? You didn't mention them?

They were too busy with the two blondes...

[Benton]

Years of smoking (I don't any more, but I started hen I was 12 and didn't quit till I was 30) and yelling at the Bengals through the 90s left me with what I've been told is a pretty attractive voice to women (full disclaimer: it's about the only part of me women find attractive, and only if they don't mind a drawl).

I used to go with some mostly female coworkers to a bar a few blocks from where we worked. Some of the women were talking about my voice one night and how I could make anything sound sexy, so the bartender (a really nice lady about 20ish years older than me) turns off the music, nods at me and says "Ok, let's hear it."

"What?"

She nods at the girls. "They say you can make anything sound sexy, so go for it. Unsexiest thing you've got."

So I leaned across the bar, about four inches from her ear and said the two least sexy words I could think of. "Pimento cheese."

I sat back down, she took my empty and put a new Miller on the bar and said, "You drink for free."

I still get random texts from ex-coworkers I haven't seen in six or seven years that are those two magical words. Pimento cheese.

[grampahol]

I have my own initials tattooed on my right arm and those letters happen to be MRA. Many a young woman in bars has been told those letters represent My Right Arm and quite a few actually believed it.. "You wanna see where I have MD tattooed at?" has never worked as a pickup line.. Yes, much to my disgrace I've tried it more than once.. lol
My police rap sheet in Dayton to this day has a notation that references that tattoo as: Tattoo, right forearm: My Right Arm.. I told a cop that years ago and it's still there..  Never underestimate the brilliance of the Dayton police department. 

[grampahol]

Something I learned the hard way (at around 19 years old) to never do in a bar fight is to threaten to call the cops when you're getting your ass kicked.. It only makes it worse and the cops are not particularly sympathetic.. Just take your lumps and go home.. lol
I guess no bar story is complete without telling the cops that you know your rights and you'll have their badge..  They're always respectful of an educated drunk.. lol

[jfkbengals]

Not my story, but funny nonetheless.
I was 19 when I heard it, and will never forget it! The guy was 25 when he told me the story, but it happened when he was 16.

This guy lived out in the country and ran with some older folks. They told him they would sneak him into the bar, and he was elated to hear it. One fellow told him "We're going to go in and quickly pass the door guy, blocking you from his view. We'll head straight to a table on the back wall. No matter what happens, stick on my ass the whole way, and never stop smiling."

All goes according to plan, except that the entire way to the table, women slap the shit out of him as he's walking behind his older buddy. As it turns out, the guy was grabbing the ass of every woman they passed, who would spin around angry as hell to see this kid standing there smiling away.

Cracks me up every time I think about it!