So I'm writing a screenplay...

[McC]

It's the mid-1970's. A handful of people are in a diner in a small northern town, a couple customers, the owner and a few employees one morning.

A stranger pulls up, which, in this town, is rare.  He's a very large, sweaty kind of guy, a coronary waiting to happen, dressed in a suit, a suitcase handcuffed to his wrist.  

As he looks in the window before entering, he keels over, unconscious but not yet dead.  Key word yet.

The people in the diner rush outside, look him over, discover he is still alive.  When I say big, I mean 350 or better.   They decide to take his giant ass inside.

On the way in, they drop him on his head a few times and bang his head on everything on the way in.  The finally get him inside, stick him in a booth.  He wakes up, says he has a wicked headache, just needs some aspirin, some water and a short rest.  They go on about their business.

A bit later, after all but one customer is gone, the owner, a young woman barely over 20, passes by him and notices he has passed out again.  Upon further inspection, it turns out he is now dead.  He survived being dropped and banged around but couldn't handle sitting there and resting.

They turn their attention to the suitcase.  Not a briefcase or an attache case but one of those old plaid suitcases with the zipper.  You know the kind.

They find the key to the cuffs and the suitcase in his pocket, open the case, find 3.4 million in it.  (Did some quick research, found out how much dough[in 100's] would fit in such a suitcase).

Now, I started out just seeing a story about people in a small town trying to keep a secret, trying to betray each other, cheat each other, that kind of thing.  Strictly comedy.

Then, when I was having them bury the behemoth, suddenly I decided one of the women shoots the guy who dug the hole, who is stuck in the hole at the time.  "He was there, I was there, I had the shotgun, it just seemed like the thing to do."

Next thing I know, I've killed off two more characters.  Now, I can't stop wanting to kill them off.

 Also, btw, there is a running gag, each time someone new finds out, or someone else disappears, about how much each share is worth. There's a young guy in it who can do complex math in his head.  They look to him for the math.  Eventually, he just blurt it out each time.  I like running gags.

Now here's my question, at long last--

I really want this to be a comedy.  I understand dark comedy and love the genre. 
but how many characters can I kill before it stops being funny?

Also, I would love to hear suggestions for weird, creepy, funny ways to kill off my characters in a rural area in the 70's. Lots of dairy farms and a few factories.  Plenty of open space, country lanes, a river, etc.  You get the picture.

First killing--shotgun down in a hole.

Second killing--same woman shooter shoots a guy who freaks out over the first murder, after he kept calling keeping the money stealing, an opinion nobody else shared.  "I could just see he was gonna be a problem."

Third killing--the diner owner's mother, with whom she has never gotten along, a slightly off center woman, pedals a bike everywhere she goes.  Everyone in town knows her bike. 

She's riding her bike home after the burial, a car comes up behind her, hits the back tire of her bike, throwing her off it, landing her face down in the middle of the road.

The driver, whose face we don't see, gets out of the car, which we really don't see either, finds the woman is still alive,  bangs her head on the road until she isn't any more, drags her into the bushes, tosses the crumpled bike into the trunk.

This is my mystery killer.  The audience will know who the other killers are but not this one.  Haven't completely decided how many this killer will kill.  I know who this person is and it will be eventually be revealed.

It's also important that none of the characters see anything they do--and they are gonna do some vile shit--as wrong in any way.  Just doing what has to be done.

So, there you go.  To anyone who has read this damn book I've written here, which I've tried to keep as brief as possible, unsuccessfully, I love collaboration, invite suggestions and will give credit for input.  

Whatta ya got?

P.S.--

At the moment, I don't think I will ever delve into who the dead guy was or where the money came from.  Does that leave too big a hole in the story?

I want the audience to walk out and then later realize, hey, they never said where the money came from.  Anyway, thank you in advance for any input.

[*bengalfan74*]

I like it, let me think on it a bit

[*Wyche'sWarrior*]

(10-21-2017, 02:42 AM)McC Wrote: It's the mid-1970's. A handful of people are in a diner in a small northern town, a couple customers, the owner and a few employees one morning.

A stranger pulls up, which, in this town, is rare.  He's a very large, sweaty kind of guy, a coronary waiting to happen, dressed in a suit, a suitcase handcuffed to his wrist.  

As he looks in the window before entering, he keels over, unconscious but not yet dead.  Key word yet.

The people in the diner rush outside, look him over, discover he is still alive.  When I say big, I mean 350 or better.   They decide to take his giant ass inside.

On the way in, they drop him on his head a few times and bang his head on everything on the way in.  The finally get him inside, stick him in a booth.  He wakes up, says he has a wicked headache, just needs some aspirin, some water and a short rest.  They go on about their business.

A bit later, after all but one customer is gone, the owner, a young woman barely over 20, passes by him and notices he has passed out again.  Upon further inspection, it turns out he is now dead.  He survived being dropped and banged around but couldn't handle sitting there and resting.

They turn their attention to the suitcase.  Not a briefcase or an attache case but one of those old plaid suitcases with the zipper.  You know the kind.

They find the key to the cuffs and the suitcase in his pocket, open the case, find 3.4 million in it.  (Did some quick research, found out how much dough[in 100's] would fit in such a suitcase).

Now, I started out just seeing a story about people in a small town trying to keep a secret, trying to betray each other, cheat each other, that kind of thing.  Strictly comedy.

Then, when I was having them bury the behemoth, suddenly I decided one of the women shoots the guy who dug the hole, who is stuck in the hole at the time.  "He was there, I was there, I had the shotgun, it just seemed like the thing to do."

Next thing I know, I've killed off two more characters.  Now, I can't stop wanting to kill them off.

 Also, btw, there is a running gag, each time someone new finds out, or someone else disappears, about how much each share is worth. There's a young guy in it who can do complex math in his head.  They look to him for the math.  Eventually, he just blurt it out each time.  I like running gags.

Now here's my question, at long last--

I really want this to be a comedy.  I understand dark comedy and love the genre. 
but how many characters can I kill before it stops being funny?

Also, I would love to hear suggestions for weird, creepy, funny ways to kill off my characters in a rural area in the 70's. Lots of dairy farms and a few factories.  Plenty of open space, country lanes, a river, etc.  You get the picture.

First killing--shotgun down in a hole.

Second killing--same woman shooter shoots a guy who freaks out over the first murder, after he kept calling keeping the money stealing, an opinion nobody else shared.  "I could just see he was gonna be a problem."

Third killing--the diner owner's mother, with whom she has never gotten along, a slightly off center woman, pedals a bike everywhere she goes.  Everyone in town knows her bike. 

She's riding her bike home after the burial, a car comes up behind her, hits the back tire of her bike, throwing her off it, landing her face down in the middle of the road.

The driver, whose face we don't see, gets out of the car, which we really don't see either, finds the woman is still alive,  bangs her head on the road until she isn't any more, drags her into the bushes, tosses the crumpled bike into the trunk.

This is my mystery killer.  The audience will know who the other killers are but not this one.  Haven't completely decided how many this killer will kill.  I know who this person is and it will be eventually be revealed.

It's also important that none of the characters see anything they do--and they are gonna do some vile shit--as wrong in any way.  Just doing what has to be done.

So, there you go.  To anyone who has read this damn book I've written here, which I've tried to keep as brief as possible, unsuccessfully, I love collaboration, invite suggestions and will give credit for input.  

Whatta ya got?

P.S.--

At the moment, I don't think I will ever delve into who the dead guy was or where the money came from.  Does that leave too big a hole in the story?

I want the audience to walk out and then later realize, hey, they never said where the money came from.  Anyway, thank you in advance for any input.

I like where this is heading.....reminds of Gross Pointe Blank with the killing.  I'm not sure you can kill enough, to be honest....seems to go with the storyline.  Rural in the 70's....the possibilities are endless.  Bush-hogs, combines, digging a grave with a backhoe, swinging the bucket over to smash a skull, canoe trips to hide the money, running down with a vehicle on an empty road, feeding bodies to the hogs, grain elevators, cattle stampedes......the door is open to many different scenarios!

[Bengalzona]

I like it because I'm into the dark comedy and period piece genres.

In style, it reminds me of "Fargo". And that is not a bad thing. You'll want characters with particular flaws and ticks: the stutterer, the hypochondriac, the mumbling farmer, the used-car salesman with a Herb Tarlek suit, the Farrah Fawcett hair woman etc. But I think one of the keys in this type of comedy (and I suspect you'll probably agree) is to keep the the people as deadpan serious as possible. It's their world and they don't necessarily see it as funny in the same way we as outsiders do. The humor is in the surrealistic situations they get into

Perhaps you could have one somewhat-normal townsperson voice-over an introduction and narrate portions ("Elmer fed his hogs everyday. And he would again today."... as they feed his body to the pigs). Not really necessary, but it can be helpful at times.

I don't think you ever need to delve into the money and where it came from. That can be a MacGuffin.

[McC]

(10-21-2017, 10:07 AM)Wyche Wrote: I like where this is heading.....reminds of Gross Pointe Blank with the killing.  I'm not sure you can kill enough, to be honest....seems to go with the storyline.  Rural in the 70's....the possibilities are endless.  Bush-hogs, combines, digging a grave with a backhoe, swinging the bucket over to smash a skull, canoe trips to hide the money, running down with a vehicle on an empty road, feeding bodies to the hogs, grain elevators, cattle stampedes......the door is open to many different scenarios!

Tons of great ideas.  See?  I knew.  Muchas gracias. The farther I go, the more I want the craziness to just continue to grow and build to a wild ending. What about the idea of never addressing where the money came from? Yea or nay?

[*Wyche'sWarrior*]

(10-21-2017, 11:16 AM)Bengalzona Wrote: I like it because I'm into the dark comedy and period piece genres.

In style, it reminds me of "Fargo". And that is not a bad thing. You'll want characters with particular flaws and ticks: the stutterer, the hypochondriac, the mumbling farmer, the used-car salesman with a Herb Tarlek suit, the Farrah Fawcett hair woman etc. But I think one of the keys in this type of comedy (and I suspect you'll probably agree) is to keep the the people as deadpan serious as possible. It's their world and they don't necessarily see it as funny in the same way we as outsiders do. The humor is in the surrealistic situations they get into

Perhaps you could have one somewhat-normal townsperson voice-over an introduction and narrate portions ("Elmer fed his hogs everyday. And he would again today."... as they feed his body to the pigs). Not really necessary, but it can be helpful at times.

I  think you ever need to delve into the money and where it came from. That can be a MacGuffin.

Sorta like Marcellus Wallace's briefcase....

[McC]

(10-21-2017, 11:16 AM)Bengalzona Wrote: I like it because I'm into the dark comedy and period piece genres.

In style, it reminds me of "Fargo". And that is not a bad thing. You'll want characters with particular flaws and ticks: the stutterer, the hypochondriac, the mumbling farmer, the used-car salesman with a Herb Tarlek suit, the Farrah Fawcett hair woman etc. But I think one of the keys in this type of comedy (and I suspect you'll probably agree) is to keep the the people as deadpan serious as possible. It's their world and they don't necessarily see it as funny in the same way we as outsiders do. The humor is in the surrealistic situations they get into

Perhaps you could have one somewhat-normal townsperson voice-over an introduction and narrate portions ("Elmer fed his hogs everyday. And he would again today."... as they feed his body to the pigs). Not really necessary, but it can be helpful at times.

I don't think you ever need to delve into the money and where it came from. That can be a MacGuffin.

Thank you for the awesome input.  I agree about keeping the people serious, as you said.  This is a critical element in dark comedy.  And i am absolutely using the bit about the guy feeding his hogs.  That is pure gold and you will get credit.

And I will be diligent in sticking to the idea that they don't think they're doing anything wrong.

[McC]

(10-21-2017, 10:07 AM)Wyche Wrote: I like where this is heading.....reminds of Gross Pointe Blank with the killing.  I'm not sure you can kill enough, to be honest....seems to go with the storyline.  Rural in the 70's....the possibilities are endless.  Bush-hogs, combines, digging a grave with a backhoe, swinging the bucket over to smash a skull, canoe trips to hide the money, running down with a vehicle on an empty road, feeding bodies to the hogs, grain elevators, cattle stampedes......the door is open to many different scenarios!

To me, this is the key to it all, the beauty of the story--it can go anywhere and the audience will never know what's coming next.

[*bengalfan74*]

(10-21-2017, 11:40 AM)McC Wrote: Tons of great ideas.  See?  I knew.  Muchas gracias.  The farther I go, the more I  want the craziness to just continue to grow and build to a wild ending.  What about the idea of never addressing where the money came from?  Yea or nay?

I'd leave the money a mystery. Just leave that aspect totally out and center on all the little sub character plots.

[Bengalzona]

(10-21-2017, 11:41 AM)Wyche Wrote: Sorta like Marcellus Wallace's briefcase....

"We good?"

[McC]

(10-21-2017, 12:25 PM)bengalfan74 Wrote: I'd leave the money a mystery. Just leave that aspect totally out and center on all the little sub character plots.

We agree on this.  

[Bengalzona]

(10-21-2017, 10:07 AM)Wyche Wrote: I like where this is heading.....reminds of Gross Pointe Blank with the killing.  I'm not sure you can kill enough, to be honest....seems to go with the storyline.  Rural in the 70's....the possibilities are endless.  Bush-hogs, combines, digging a grave with a backhoe, swinging the bucket over to smash a skull, canoe trips to hide the money, running down with a vehicle on an empty road, feeding bodies to the hogs, grain elevators, cattle stampedes......the door is open to many different scenarios!

Agreed, there are many different scenarios for 'death on the farm':
- caught inside the silo filling up
- thrown down the well
- various farm machinery deaths
- death by farm animals

Some of these have been played a lot on TV shows and movies. That doesn't mean that they aren't still viable. You just need to a have a twist (preferrably a comic twist) about how the situation developed or occurred that will set your story apart.

The prospect of cannibalism is there since farm generally have all the tools to turn animals into food and you'll have bodies that need disposing of, either accidentally or on purpose. (BTW - I seem to recall some B-grade horror movie from the early eighties ("Motel Hell"?) where they cut out people's tongues and buried them up to their necks so they could 'harvest' them. Probably not a good idea for a story though, since that was part of the reason why it was a B-movie...LOL!)

How about an elderly, frail-looking, church-going couple who just happen to be really, really good at ending people and disposing of the remains, because "Back in our day, this is how we handled young miscreants."?

[McC]

(10-21-2017, 01:33 PM)Bengalzona Wrote: Agreed, there are many different scenarios for 'death on the farm':
- caught inside the silo filling up
- thrown down the well
- various farm machinery deaths
- death by farm animals

Some of these have been played a lot on TV shows and movies. That doesn't mean that they aren't still viable. You just need to a have a twist (preferrably a comic twist) about how the situation developed or occurred that will set your story apart.

The prospect of cannibalism is there since farm generally have all the tools to turn animals into food and you'll have bodies that need disposing of, either accidentally or on purpose. (BTW - I seem to recall some B-grade horror movie from the early eighties ("Motel Hell"?) where they cut out people's tongues and buried them up to their necks so they could 'harvest' them. Probably not a good idea for a story though, since that was part of the reason why it was a B-movie...LOL!)

How about an elderly, frail-looking, church-going couple who just happen to be really, really good at ending people and disposing of the remains, because "Back in our day, this is how we handled young miscreants."?

The well of awesome and somewhat twisted ideas runs very deep in you, my friend.  Keep this up and you'll be the co-writer.  And that wouldn't bother me a bit.  Kinds like how Adam Sandler, Will Farrell,  Seth Rogan, those guys get together and come up with hilarity together.  You know that would be some serious fun.

[McC]

By the way, in case anyone is interested, the current working title is "A Guy Walks Into A Diner."

[*PhilHos*]

(10-21-2017, 02:42 AM)McC Wrote: It's the mid-1970's. A handful of people are in a diner in a small northern town, a couple customers, the owner and a few employees one morning.

A stranger pulls up, which, in this town, is rare.  He's a very large, sweaty kind of guy, a coronary waiting to happen, dressed in a suit, a suitcase handcuffed to his wrist.  

As he looks in the window before entering, he keels over, unconscious but not yet dead.  Key word yet.

The people in the diner rush outside, look him over, discover he is still alive.  When I say big, I mean 350 or better.   They decide to take his giant ass inside.

On the way in, they drop him on his head a few times and bang his head on everything on the way in.  The finally get him inside, stick him in a booth.  He wakes up, says he has a wicked headache, just needs some aspirin, some water and a short rest.  They go on about their business.

A bit later, after all but one customer is gone, the owner, a young woman barely over 20, passes by him and notices he has passed out again.  Upon further inspection, it turns out he is now dead.  He survived being dropped and banged around but couldn't handle sitting there and resting.

They turn their attention to the suitcase.  Not a briefcase or an attache case but one of those old plaid suitcases with the zipper.  You know the kind.

They find the key to the cuffs and the suitcase in his pocket, open the case, find 3.4 million in it.  (Did some quick research, found out how much dough[in 100's] would fit in such a suitcase).

Now, I started out just seeing a story about people in a small town trying to keep a secret, trying to betray each other, cheat each other, that kind of thing.  Strictly comedy.

Then, when I was having them bury the behemoth, suddenly I decided one of the women shoots the guy who dug the hole, who is stuck in the hole at the time.  "He was there, I was there, I had the shotgun, it just seemed like the thing to do."

Next thing I know, I've killed off two more characters.  Now, I can't stop wanting to kill them off.

 Also, btw, there is a running gag, each time someone new finds out, or someone else disappears, about how much each share is worth. There's a young guy in it who can do complex math in his head.  They look to him for the math.  Eventually, he just blurt it out each time.  I like running gags.

Now here's my question, at long last--

I really want this to be a comedy.  I understand dark comedy and love the genre. 
but how many characters can I kill before it stops being funny?

Also, I would love to hear suggestions for weird, creepy, funny ways to kill off my characters in a rural area in the 70's. Lots of dairy farms and a few factories.  Plenty of open space, country lanes, a river, etc.  You get the picture.

First killing--shotgun down in a hole.

Second killing--same woman shooter shoots a guy who freaks out over the first murder, after he kept calling keeping the money stealing, an opinion nobody else shared.  "I could just see he was gonna be a problem."

Third killing--the diner owner's mother, with whom she has never gotten along, a slightly off center woman, pedals a bike everywhere she goes.  Everyone in town knows her bike. 

She's riding her bike home after the burial, a car comes up behind her, hits the back tire of her bike, throwing her off it, landing her face down in the middle of the road.

The driver, whose face we don't see, gets out of the car, which we really don't see either, finds the woman is still alive,  bangs her head on the road until she isn't any more, drags her into the bushes, tosses the crumpled bike into the trunk.

This is my mystery killer.  The audience will know who the other killers are but not this one.  Haven't completely decided how many this killer will kill.  I know who this person is and it will be eventually be revealed.

It's also important that none of the characters see anything they do--and they are gonna do some vile shit--as wrong in any way.  Just doing what has to be done.

So, there you go.  To anyone who has read this damn book I've written here, which I've tried to keep as brief as possible, unsuccessfully, I love collaboration, invite suggestions and will give credit for input.  

Whatta ya got?

P.S.--

At the moment, I don't think I will ever delve into who the dead guy was or where the money came from.  Does that leave too big a hole in the story?

I want the audience to walk out and then later realize, hey, they never said where the money came from.  Anyway, thank you in advance for any input.

My quick thoughts (some of which may have already been shared):

There's no limit you the number of characters you can kill. Just keep each dearth original and either funny or unexpected.

Don't show what's in the bag. Leave it a mystery. At the end, the very last scene could be the camera zooming in and the audience will finally see why everyone is killing each other. As the inside starts to come into view BAM credits roll.

Have a couple completely ridiculous kills but only a couple and one of them needs to be completely out of nowhere (think Samuel L. Jackson's death in that shark movie).

You should have a truly horrible person (like racist, sexist, bully, etc) that people think is the killer and WANT to see dead but don't kill him till the end (or not at all).

Have a character that learns about the bag AFTER he's killed a couple people. ("Sheesh, Jim Bob, you really want that bag." "What bag?")

That's what I got for now.


Sent from my SM-J327P using Tapatalk

[*PhilHos*]

(10-21-2017, 01:33 PM)Bengalzona Wrote: Agreed, there are many different scenarios for 'death on the farm':
- caught inside the silo filling up
- thrown down the well
- various farm machinery deaths
- death by farm animals

Some of these have been played a lot on TV shows and movies. That doesn't mean that they aren't still viable. You just need to a have a twist (preferrably a comic twist) about how the situation developed or occurred that will set your story apart.

The prospect of cannibalism is there since farm generally have all the tools to turn animals into food and you'll have bodies that need disposing of, either accidentally or on purpose. (BTW - I seem to recall some B-grade horror movie from the early eighties ("Motel Hell"?) where they cut out people's tongues and buried them up to their necks so they could 'harvest' them. Probably not a good idea for a story though, since that was part of the reason why it was a B-movie...LOL!)

How about an elderly, frail-looking, church-going couple who just happen to be really, really good at ending people and disposing of the remains, because "Back in our day, this is how we handled young miscreants."?

The diner. There's your answer.

"This tastes funny"
"Reminds me of that clown what came through last week."

Sent from my SM-J327P using Tapatalk

[McC]

(10-21-2017, 03:42 PM)PhilHos Wrote: The diner. There's your answer.

"This tastes funny"
"Reminds me of that clown what came through last week."

Sent from my SM-J327P using Tapatalk

I like it.  A lot.  One of the things this script will be known for is the crazy ways the characters get killed.  And still none of them thinks they're doing anything wrong.  Each murder gets that much more bizarre.  You guys are awesome.

[Shake n Blake]

I like it. Particularly the idea of everyone in this tiny town fighting over the cash. I do think some of the deaths seem a little too dark, like bashing someone's head against the road repeatedly...but that depends largely on presentation. It also depends on what you're going for. A scene like that would be funnier (to me) if she kept groaning after each hit. Kinda like this scene in Me, Myself and Irene (people "borrow" ideas all the time):





Seems you've already gotten some pretty good ideas so far. I'm off the next 2 days, so I'll try to see if I can come up with any funny death ideas.

[McC]

(10-22-2017, 12:05 AM)Shake n Blake Wrote: I like it. Particularly the idea of everyone in this tiny town fighting over the cash. I do think some of the deaths seem a little too dark, like bashing someone's head against the road repeatedly...but that depends largely on presentation. It also depends on what you're going for. A scene like that would be funnier (to me) if she kept groaning after each hit. Kinda like this scene in Me, Myself and Irene (people "borrow" ideas all the time):





Seems you've already gotten some pretty good ideas so far. I'm off the next 2 days, so I'll try to see if I can come up with any funny death ideas.  

Yes.  Please do.  I love the high quality input I've gotten in just a day.  In a week, I'll have the whole thing.  Then I can disappear with the gold and forget I ever knew any of you and take full credit alone and be hailed as a comic genius.

Nah, if I ever did something like that, an ejected piece of Apollo 13 would fall on my head as I went into the bank to cash the check.  Karma has never, ever cut me the least bit of slack.  I  mean none.  The universe watches my ass like a hawk.  I do wrong, I pay, harshly and suddenly.  

The first two deaths will come out of nowhere, a shock to the audience. The whole little group in the diner when the money comes seem to like each other.  Nobody will see it coming.

When the money shows up, all hell breaks loose, slowly at first and building to completely out of control.  I want the audience to say "Whoa" when the first guy gets it.  Eventually, I want them guessing who gets it next.    And by the end, I want them guessing who survives.  And it doesn't matter if they guess right or not. 

Toying with an ending where the last two original characters kill each other and some minor character comes in for coffee and finds the money, sees the two dead people, doesn't dare take it, slips out the door. 

He drives away, changes his mind(it is a shitload of money, after all), comes back.  As he pulls into the parking lot, one of his neighbors is just getting out of his car, heading for the money, er, that is, the door.  He can't let the other guy get through that door.
Guess what happens next.  Or, should I say, last.

[HarleyDog]

How did people come to know about the contents of the briefcase? There were only 2 people.

I visioned while reading this many of the future to be culprits, killers or what have you at a church service in the beginning, thus labeling them as god fearing people, but greed will eventually take over. If not church, something of a wholesome view (scout leader, teacher, pastor, police officer, grandma, etc) of those who would be involved to give more of a "I didn't see that coming" reaction.

I don't think you can write too many deaths. However, the creativity of each will make a huge difference. Some creative ways to kill would be things like an exploding didlo, having your face shaved off with a treadmill - and maybe burying someone alive. Just tossing some things at you. My sense of humor aint the greatest at 7am. However, once I have a few beers this afternoon? HEHE - My mind will be turning.