The Hobspin Translator

[SunsetBengal]

Dear Shakespin,

Now that AJ McCarron has won his grievance against the Bengals, the organization once again has egg all over it's face. They really did "Bungle" an opportunity to profit from a player that they clearly had no intentions of using as anything more than a backup. The masterminds in the front office will likely be quick to point out that Cleveland botched the trade attempt this past season. However many of us fans knew that the team should have move McCarron in 2016, or at least during this past offseason, while the iron was still figuratively "hot".

Shakespin, could you somehow turn this debacle of an episode into a story of triumph and glory for the Bengals?


Sincerely, your biggest fan.
Sunset

[Shake n Blake]

(02-16-2018, 03:24 PM)CornerBlitz Wrote: The team hasn't won a playoff game in nearly 3 decades and has had the same head coach for 15 years.  It's time for a f'n change!

Hello, Mr. Blitzed. How's the weather down there in Haterville? While I respect your frustration with the teams recent performance, you seem quick to forget all the success they've had. Have I mentioned that the Bengals once made 5 straight playoff trips? I hope your day gets better.   :andy:

[depthchart]

(02-16-2018, 02:01 PM)Shake n Blake Wrote: We're at a very boring part of the offseason, and tbh we're at a pretty low point for all of us as fans, as far as hope for the team. So I figured it'd be fun to play a game. Say something negative about the team, and I will put it through "the Hobspin translator" and spin it into something positive. If anyone else wants to jump in and put a positive spin on something, feel free.

This thread could easily be a disaster, but at this point I'm tapped out of ideas and talking points. Many of the issues with the team have been the same for 5, 10 or even 20+ years. So pretend I'm Geoff Hobson and have at it.

Mr Hobson,  Will you confirm to those on this Board that myself and Fred do not work for you or the Bengals and that any occasional positive things we may say about the Bengals are our own opinions ?

P. S.  I can't speak for Fred but it seems that he and I try to find the balance between any good the Bengals may actually do and the ever present bad.  You, however, have Mastered the Art of Bengals Public Relations to a level that likely has Mike Brown himself blushing at times.
Mr. Brown is not big on player statues but should he decide to make one of you to put in front of the stadium would you sign off on the idea and what words of wisdom would you want written on your statue's plaque.

[sandwedge]

Thank you very much for answering my questions, Mr. Shakespin! You are a true man of integrity.
I do have one more question that keeps me up at night. Is Merv really a Steelers fan? I have heard that he has Fatheads of Bill Cowher and Ben Rottenburger on his office wall, any truth to that?

[leonardfan40]

With all of the cap space we have, and Marvin’s comments about adding more quality players from other teams, we should finally be in the market for a big time FA right?!?!?!....couldn’t even make it through that question without laughing

[Shake n Blake]

(02-16-2018, 03:26 PM)SunsetBengal Wrote: Dear Shakespin,

Now that AJ McCarron has won his grievance against the Bengals, the organization once again has egg all over it's face.  They really did "Bungle" an opportunity to profit from a player that they clearly had no intentions of using as anything more than a backup.  The masterminds in the front office will likely be quick to point out that Cleveland botched the trade attempt this past season.  However many of us fans knew that the team should have move McCarron in 2016, or at least during this past offseason, while the iron was still figuratively "hot".

Shakespin, could you somehow turn this debacle of an episode into a story of triumph and glory for the Bengals?


Sincerely, your biggest fan.
Sunset

Thanks for the question, Sunset. Too bad your disposition isn't as sunny as your name. As you may know, the Bengals made 5 straight playoff berths. For a team with such high aspirations, a quality backup QB becomes an essential part of the team. Don't believe me? Ask the Eagles. The Bengals basically just spent a 5th rounder to rent such a backup for 4 years and will inevitably be rewarded with a compensatory pick that will certainly be higher than a 5th rounder.

I'd call that a win of Belichick-ian proportions. 

[Shake n Blake]

(02-16-2018, 03:34 PM)depthchart Wrote: Mr Hobson,  Will you confirm to those on this Board that myself and Fred do not work for you or the Bengals and that any occasional positive things we may say about the Bengals are our own opinions ?

P. S.  I can't speak for Fred but it seems that he and I try to find the balance between any good the Bengals may actually do and the ever present bad.  You, however, have Mastered the Art of Bengals Public Relations to a level that likely has Mike Brown himself blushing at times.
Mr. Brown is not big on player statues but should he decide to make one of you to put in front of the stadium would you sign off on the idea and what words of wisdom would you want written on your statue's plaque.

Hey Tony. Are you and Fred still on for lunch with me on Friday? I'm thinking Arby's. 

Oh...I mean uh. Who are you? I have no clue who you and Fred are.

(02-16-2018, 03:36 PM)sandwedge Wrote: Thank you very much for answering my questions, Mr. Shakespin! You are a true man of integrity.
I do have one more question that keeps me up at night. Is Merv really a Steelers fan? I have heard that he has Fatheads of Bill Cowher and Ben Rottenburger on his office wall, any truth to that?

I can't speak to that, but yes. Yes he does.

(02-16-2018, 03:38 PM)leonardfan40 Wrote: With all of the cap space we have, and Marvin’s comments about adding more quality players from other teams, we should finally be in the market for a big time FA right?!?!?!....couldn’t even make it through that question without laughing  

I don't see anything funny, Mr. 40. "Big time" free agents are team destroyers. Just look at the Redskins and Bucs. 

No other teams sign big splashy free agents like that. None. They're the only ones. 

[SunsetBengal]

(02-16-2018, 03:39 PM)Shake n Blake Wrote: Thanks for the question, Sunset. Too bad your disposition isn't as sunny as your name implies. As you may know, the Bengals made 5 straight playoff berths. For a team with such high aspirations, a quality backup QB becomes an essential part of the team. Don't believe me? Ask the Eagles. The Bengals basically just spent a 5th rounder to rent such a backup for 4 years and will inevitably be rewarded with a compensatory pick that will certainly be higher than a 5th rounder.

I'd call that a win of Belichick-ian proportions. 

Thanks for the quick response.  You make a great point about gaining a comp pick.  I mean, what was I thinking?  A comp pick is going to be so much better than what Cleveland had agreed to, or whatever the Bengals are rumored to have turned down from other teams.  I forgot all about gaining another much coveted comp pick.  

Hey guys, we're gaining a Comp Pick!!

[bengals67]

(02-16-2018, 03:24 PM)Shake n Blake Wrote: Ha. Don't be ridiculous. Jeff Blake just let me use his profile to "tackle" some of the silly questions that idiots fans often have. 

I leaped at the opportunity to silence legit criticism uh... drum up interest for season tickets quell concerns. 

Shake- is Hobspin leaving and are you auditioning?

You are really good at propaganda!

This thread is hilarious!

[Sabretooth]

Very entertaining Shake and way better reasoning than hobspin

[*Nate (formerly eliminate08)*]

(02-16-2018, 03:09 PM)ochocincos Wrote: HOBSON, I GOT THIS ONE!

(02-16-2018, 03:19 PM)ochocincos Wrote: I can't get over how Bodine pops up at the end of the clip like a bumbling idiot

God that is so sad i cannot laugh, just kind of smerk and giggle like Merv.

If we re-sign Bodine for starter money there cannot be a Hobspin fluff piece that would not make me even more depressed.

[Wes Mantooth]

Hey, Geoff! Long time reader, first time writer/question asker... I've got a few:

1.) Of course we got AJ Green, and he's great and all, but I'm worried about the size of John Ross' hands. Do you know how big there are? I think a receiver having Grizzly bear size mitts is something we're missing and would love to hear if you think we ought to target the biggest hands in the draft?

2.) I see we're projected to have 50 mil in cap space to open the off-season. What's the real number?

3.) What's the best gift you've ever gotten as an employee of the team? Mike get you anything cool for Christmas?

[*ochocincos*]

(02-16-2018, 05:34 PM)Nate (formerly eliminate08) Wrote: God that is so sad i cannot laugh, just kind of smerk and giggle like Merv.

If we re-sign Bodine for starter money there cannot be a Hobspin fluff piece that would not make me even more depressed.

I already stated months ago that my fandom would drop if Marvin and Bodine were both re-signed and Bodine being the starter. One has happened already. Bodine re-signing could be imminent and the draft could be an early indicator of how likely Bodine would be to start.

I stick by my statement that my fandom will drop. I'll still stay sporadically active here, but I'm going to spend a lot less time investing in draft research and discussing various Bengals topics until Marvin and Bodine would be gone.

[fredtoast]

(02-16-2018, 03:00 PM)Shake n Blake Wrote: While I'm sure many fans are disappointed with last season, we seem quick to forget Marvin's resume. This includes 7 playoff berths, 4 division titles, and many signature wins. Would Marvin go for it on 4th down in the 4th quarter? Ask Bills fans. 

In 2017 Marvin went for it on fourth down 12 times.  Only 6 of the 12 playoff teams attempted more, and the Patriots only attempted one more fourth down conversion (13) than the Bengals.

Also we knocked the Ravens out of the playoffs because Marvin decided to go for it on fourth down.

[*Nate (formerly eliminate08)*]

(02-16-2018, 05:54 PM)ochocincos Wrote: I already stated months ago that my fandom would drop if Marvin and Bodine were both re-signed and Bodine being the starter. One has happened already. Bodine re-signing could be imminent and the draft could be an early indicator of how likely Bodine would be to start.

I stick by my statement that my fandom will drop. I'll still stay sporadically active here, but I'm going to spend a lot less time investing in draft research and discussing various Bengals topics until Marvin and Bodine would be gone.

I stated something similar, mine was PA and Merv assuming Bodine would move on. PA is gone and replaced with what i find
to be a great pickup in Pollack but Merv is back. If Bodine is brought back on backup salary i will be okay with it. But starter
money would make my fandom drop for sure. We need a decent starting Center and LT if we are going to do anything in 2018.

[Shake n Blake]

(02-16-2018, 05:43 PM)Wes Mantooth Wrote: Hey, Geoff! Long time reader, first time writer/question asker... I've got a few:

1.) Of course we got AJ Green, and he's great and all, but I'm worried about the size of John Ross' hands. Do you know how big there are?  I think a receiver having Grizzly bear size mitts is something we're missing and would love to hear if you think we ought to target the biggest hands in the draft?

2.) I see we're projected to have 50 mil in cap space to open the off-season. What's the real number?

3.) What's the best gift you've ever gotten as an employee of the team? Mike get you anything cool for Christmas?

Why hello there, Mr. Tooth.

1. The tyrannosaurus rex also had (relatively) small hands, and it was the fiercest dyno in the land back in it's heyday. So going off of that, I think John Ross with be more than fine.

2. Lets see here. Of that $50 million...

- $25 million is allotted to resignings and extensions. Tyler Eifert isn't going to get an ingrown hair and go on IR play for free, ya know?
- $15 million for the rookie pool.
- $10 million injury buffer.
- $  2 million on tier "F" free agent upgrades.
- $50 dollars worth of Wendy's free frostee key chains for incoming free agents. Just between you and me, this is Mike's secret weapon for luring new players. He's really going "all-in" this year.

By my calculations, this leaves approximately minus $2 million dollars, give or take a few duckets. So something has to give. The team may be forced to make a tough choice between Atkins and Dunlap. 

3. Interesting question there, Tooth. The gift of sports writing is a gift that keeps on giving for me, but I have received a few nice gifts from the Brown family over the years. I've received several buy-one-get-one-10%-off coupons for the delicious popcorn at PBS. Katie once bought me a lacy pink nightgown with a giant feather. She winked at me after I opened it. Not sure what that was about, but I do enjoy wearing it occasionally when it's hot at PBS and Mike won't turn the AC on. 

Hopefully this answers your questions. 

[*Nate (formerly eliminate08)*]

OMG, Shake even went and changed his avi to the Hobs.

[sandwedge]

(02-16-2018, 06:14 PM)Shake n Blake Wrote: Why hello there, Mr. Tooth.

1. The tyrannosaurus rex also had (relatively) small hands, and it was the fiercest dyno in the land back in it's heyday. So going off of that, I think John Ross with be more than fine.

2. Lets see here. Of that $50 million...

- $25 million is allotted to resignings and extensions. Tyler Eifert isn't going to get an ingrown hair and go on IR play for free, ya know?
- $15 million for the rookie pool.
- $10 million injury buffer.
- $  2 million on tier "F" free agent upgrades.
- $50 dollars worth of Wendy's free frostee key chains for incoming free agents. Just between you and me, this is Mike's secret weapon for luring new players. He's really going "all-in" this year.

By my calculations, this leaves approximately minus $2 million dollars, give or take a few duckets. So something has to give. The team may be forced to make a tough choice between Atkins and Dunlap. 

3. Interesting question there, Tooth. The gift of sports writing is a gift that keeps on giving for me, but I have received a few nice gifts from the Brown family over the years. I've received several buy-one-get-one-10%-off coupons for the delicious popcorn at PBS. Katie once bought me a lacy pink nightgown with a giant feather. She winked at me after I opened it. Not sure what that was about, but I do enjoy wearing it occasionally when it's hot at PBS and Mike won't turn the AC on. 

Hopefully this answers your questions. 

You have absolutely killed it today!!!  Bengals news has been depressing and the world news too, so thanks Shakes!

[sandwedge]

(02-16-2018, 06:28 PM)Nate (formerly eliminate08) Wrote: OMG, Shake even went and changed his avi to the Hobs.

I saw that and spit out my chew!!!  LMAO

[Wes Mantooth]

Hey, Geoff. Long time reader, 2nd time question asker...

1.) What is your office like at PBS? Can you describe it? I'd also be curious to hear where it is, if it's near FO or if it's just a janitorial closet in the basement or something.

2.) My buddy is in journalism and he told me that the newspaper he writes for just provided his department with new laptops and new company cell phones. He's rocking a brand new Macbook Pro and now has the Galaxy S8. That got me thinking, what stuff are you using? What to do you write on there, what phone plan do they have you on?

Love the column by the way!