Ghosting

[Browns Town Bengal]

A term I learned tonight...although I know that the practice of ghosting has been going on for probably centuries. Its completely cutting off any communication to someone you previously had ties to...with little to no warning.

I am in the middle of being ghosted by a girl I was dating. We'd been dating a few months and things were going great. We had recently introduced each other to our kids which is pretty big step. Anyone with kids will know this. Then one day a few weeks ago I received my final text from her. She hasnt replied to any text since or returned a phone call. A few days passed between texts. I wasnt bombarding her at all(one phone call and VM and about 5 texts) In my voice mail, I politely asked that she just let me know if she had second thoughts about us being together and that would be that. No harm done. I cant fault someone for feeling different.

But I can find fault with someone that completely ceases communication because they dont have to balls to have a difficult conversation. That to me is what hurt the most. Being rejected...fine, it happens. But being rejected and ignored, that was what I had the hardest time coming to grips with.

Anyone ever been thru this? I dont mean a situation where you went on one date and the guy/girl was so annoying or creepy that ending communication was your only option. I mean someone that you had a great relationship with until...

[Johnny Cupcakes]

Almost this exact thing has happened to me.

When I was about 25....maybe 24, I dated a girl for about 6 months that was the whole package. She was pretty, smart, nice, funny, etc. I was actually pretty hyped on the relationship, even though we never made it official. Every indication pointed to her being pretty hyped on the relationship as well.

One day, we just quit seeing each other....all by her choosing, and without letting me know. We would see each other 4 or 5 days a week, and talk on the phone almost every day, and then all of a sudden.....poof.....nothing. After a week of getting no response, I left her a message on the phone and one on Myspace (lol) telling her to let me know if there was something wrong or if I needed to back off, and she still never answered. She went from sleeping in my bed one day to completely cutting off contact the next. It was bizzare.

It's not like she quit talking to me for another dude either. She was roommates with a good friend of mine, and I asked a few times about her, and no reason was ever given. Even though it confused me quite a bit, I moved on from it and ended up taking my future wife out on a date a few months later, so it worked out for me.

I have seen her one time since she quit speaking to me. It was at the funeral of a mutual friend, and she came up and talked to me like nothing ever happened. It was one of the most awkward situations that I have ever experienced.

I still have no clue why she "ghosted" me.

[Browns Town Bengal]

(10-21-2015, 11:22 PM)Johnny Cupcakes Wrote: Almost this exact thing has happened to me.  

When I was about 25....maybe 24, I dated a girl for about 6 months that was the whole package.  She was pretty, smart, nice, funny, etc.  I was actually pretty hyped on the relationship, even though we never made it official.  Every indication pointed to her being pretty hyped on the relationship as well.

One day, we just quit seeing each other....all by her choosing, and without letting me know.  We would see each other 4 or 5 days a week, and talk on the phone almost every day, and then all of a sudden.....poof.....nothing.  After a week of getting no response, I left her a message on the phone and one on Myspace (lol) telling her to let me know if there was something wrong or if I needed to back off, and she still never answered.  She went from sleeping in my bed one day to completely cutting off contact the next.  It was bizzare.

It's not like she quit talking to me for another dude either.  She was roommates with a good friend of mine, and I asked a few times about her, and no reason was ever given.  Even though it confused me quite a bit, I moved on from it and ended up taking my future wife out on a date a few months later, so it worked out for me.

I have seen her one time since she quit speaking to me.  It was at the funeral of a mutual friend, and she came up and talked to me like nothing ever happened.  It was one of the most awkward situations that I have ever experienced.  

I still have no clue why she "ghosted" me.

Wow...yeah that situation is even more bizarre than mine.  6 months is a long time to be dating to have that happen suddenly.   Ill bet that was tough.  Im of the mindset to just rip the band aid off and end it if it isnt working.  Its much less painful than tearing it off slowly and ripping each hair out by the root one by one slowly.  

 I tell you, Ill never be the same after this.  Because even if I think its going well, there will always be that nagging feeling that Ill be be put in full on ignore mode at any time.  

[oncemoreuntothejimbreech]

You're lucky to find out she is f'n crazy this early in the relationship. You dodged a bullet.  I know that might seem strange now, but you don't want to go through life with someone who obviously doesn't know how to treat other people. 

[Johnny Cupcakes]

(10-22-2015, 12:00 AM)Browns Town Bengal Wrote: Wow...yeah that situation is even more bizarre than mine.  6 months is a long time to be dating to have that happen suddenly.   Ill bet that was tough.  Im of the mindset to just rip the band aid off and end it if it isnt working.  Its much less painful than tearing it off slowly and ripping each hair out by the root one by one slowly.  

 I tell you, Ill never be the same after this.  Because even if I think its going well, there will always be that nagging feeling that Ill be be put in full on ignore mode at any time.  

It sucked for a couple of weeks, mainly due to the confusion and complete lack of closure, but I got over it.  I didn't hold back or change my ways moving forward either.  I figured that since I didn't know what I did wrong, I didn't know what to change.  Like I said, I met my wife shortly after and went about everything the same.  This time, it worked out.

To be honest though, it still bugs me occasionally that I never got a reason for the demise of the relationship.  Oh well...

Good luck man, and try not to let it ruin future possibilities for you.

[bengal_fan_in_toronto]

i learned about the term a couple of years ago. i've done it several times and its been done to me as well. i have no issues with it at the early stages of a relationship. in fact i think its quite efficient. if you've only gone out with somebody a couple of times and you lose interest, i don't think you owe them anything. if you want to ghost. ghost.

6 months though? that's too long. I'm talking a couple of dates or something like that.

[CKwi88]

I'll admit to having "ghosted" an ex-girlfriend. My 22 year old brain found a way to justify it, but in I realize that I was just a wussy (yes, that reads with a p) that didn't want to just sit down and break up with the girl. I didn't think much about it (22 year old me deserved a kick in the nuts in hindsight) but a few years later learned that she had talked around with some mutual friends and went to pick me up at the airport (turns out flight was delayed) and then thought that it was all a mean trick on her.

Ghosting her is easily up there on my list of relationship regrets, when you're in an exclusive relationship, it's a pretty shitty way to do it.

[*Wyche'sWarrior*]

(10-21-2015, 11:22 PM)Johnny Cupcakes Wrote: Almost this exact thing has happened to me.  

When I was about 25....maybe 24, I dated a girl for about 6 months that was the whole package.  She was pretty, smart, nice, funny, etc.  I was actually pretty hyped on the relationship, even though we never made it official.  Every indication pointed to her being pretty hyped on the relationship as well.

One day, we just quit seeing each other....all by her choosing, and without letting me know.  We would see each other 4 or 5 days a week, and talk on the phone almost every day, and then all of a sudden.....poof.....nothing.  After a week of getting no response, I left her a message on the phone and one on Myspace (lol) telling her to let me know if there was something wrong or if I needed to back off, and she still never answered.  She went from sleeping in my bed one day to completely cutting off contact the next.  It was bizzare.

It's not like she quit talking to me for another dude either.  She was roommates with a good friend of mine, and I asked a few times about her, and no reason was ever given.  Even though it confused me quite a bit, I moved on from it and ended up taking my future wife out on a date a few months later, so it worked out for me.

I have seen her one time since she quit speaking to me.  It was at the funeral of a mutual friend, and she came up and talked to me like nothing ever happened.  It was one of the most awkward situations that I have ever experienced.  

I still have no clue why she "ghosted" me.

Dude.....we have lived the same life in parallel universes several years apart....no shit.  This nearly exact scenario happened to me.....except it was only about a week later that I took my eventual wife out.  

Hell son.....I moved swiftly and with a vengeance back in those days.....

Funny....she became jealous for a while after my wife and I hooked up after the couple weeks of ghosting. Now a days she speaks to me and the old lady....."People are Strange".

Like you Browns Town.....I had met her young son....and we had hit it off....then >poof<.....

[Browns Town Bengal]

(10-23-2015, 03:51 PM)Wyche Wrote: Dude.....we have lived the same life in parallel universes several years apart....no shit.  This nearly exact scenario happened to me.....except it was only about a week later that I took my eventual wife out.  

Hell son.....I moved swiftly and with a vengeance back in those days.....

Funny....she became jealous for a while after my wife and I hooked up after the couple weeks of ghosting. Now a days she speaks to me and the old lady....."People are Strange".

Like you Browns Town.....I had met her young son....and we had hit it off....then >poof<.....

Yeah that sucks but it seems to have worked out for both of you.  Im amazed at how shitty people can be and how difficult this has been to just move on from.  It just baffles me how someone could do that to a person and not feel any remorse over it.  

It feels like the only way to move past this would be to meet someone.  Even for just a fling, nothing serious.  

[RoyleRedlegs]

This is a very common tactic with women. Had it happen to me once in college and a few other friends of mine.

From the females I have talked to about this, they don't always do it consciously...it's something learned in the collective unconscious among women.

[*Wyche'sWarrior*]

(10-23-2015, 09:27 PM)Browns Town Bengal Wrote: Yeah that sucks but it seems to have worked out for both of you.  Im amazed at how shitty people can be and how difficult this has been to just move on from.  It just baffles me how someone could do that to a person and not feel any remorse over it.  

It feels like the only way to move past this would be to meet someone.  Even for just a fling, nothing serious.  

The old rebound.......like Colt 45 , "gets 'em every time".

[fredtoast]

(10-23-2015, 09:27 PM)Browns Town Bengal Wrote:   It just baffles me how someone could do that to a person and not feel any remorse over it.  

I am guessing that most people who do this have probably had to deal with a very ugly breakup in the past.

Perhaps the last guy she broke up with absolutely would not stop trying to "win her back" until she cut him off 100%.

Or perhaps a guy had broken up with her but then strung her along for a while giving her hope they would get back together.  

Or perhaps the last guy had insisted that she just "owed it to him to explain why it didn't work" and then got extremely upset when she told him what a loser she thought he was.  These "exit interviews" almost never work out well.  The person being left always wants to know why, yet he never wants to admit that he was at fault.  

I never really had a lot of long tern relationships, so I am no expert in "breaking up".  But I can understand why a person might resort to "ghosting".

[CKwi88]

(10-25-2015, 12:55 PM)fredtoast Wrote: Perhaps the last guy she broke up with absolutely would not stop trying to "win her back" until she cut him off 100%.

Or perhaps a guy had broken up with her but then strung her along for a while giving her hope they would get back together.  

This was certainly the case with me. We had broken up more or less amicably but ended up getting back together. When I realized that it really wasn't healthy for either of us, that's how I justified just cutting it out 100%

[Beaker]

My wife has been ghosting me in the bedroom for years.

[reuben.ahmed]

I ghosted my Ex, but I told her I was going to do it. I see no purpose in continue conversation with ex girlfriends when you are pursuing new women. I do think about contacting her sometimes, but that would result in nothing - since I was the one who was dumped. Don't stick yourself in an unhealthy "friendship". Can we still have everything we had, but no physical contact? I've gotten salty since then. "Ghosting" seems immature sometimes, but can also be seen as a mature act. I bluntly told her what am I supposed to tell any new girlfriend I have, that I'm still talking to my Ex?  And the amount of energy I'm spending being your "friend", shouldn't I be spending trying to find someone who wants to date me? (Haha)

Friendships are retained after someone gets married, I found, after they are fully "off the market".

When you are dumped, or are doing the dumping, it is different. I've spoken to hundreds of women since then and I don't find the same spark.

I don't understand "mutual breakups", that's made up. How can someone let a relationship go that long and both agree it's not working? Sounds like both people weren't serious to begin with. Relationships are hard to get on the same page sometimes. With my ex, I thought it was an issue that she couldn't say she loved me after a year of dating. Not saying she should be forced to, but she said if "she said it" it would "open her up to getting hurt." I said I'm not sure how that's fair to me or the relationship. That was the beginning of the end, lol.

It's not easy to go through a breakup that involves "ghosting", going from heavy contact daily to nothing at all, there's going to be crying on both sides for a bit.

I took this girl to Times Square for 5 days and Disney World for her birthday. I definitely overdid it, but it was fun. I took her to the airport once and she didn't know her destination (her mom got really mad about that, lol) - once we were boarding I gave her a little booklet of the things we were going to do, one of them being seeing the "biggest aquarium in the world" - in Atlanta.  Because it was long distance, any time we'd see each other we'd be attached by the hip 24/7. It didn't feel uncomfortable either, you know that best friend feeling. It worked, because I really don't do well with people hanging on me every day with a job that has me working long hours sometimes.

It was hard to travel again after that, it would always remind me of her. As anything, it just takes time to get through anything. She didn't give a good reason for dumping me (nobody is really strong enough to be honest, she was searching for random reasons). I was pretty clear why a ghost was going to happen, though. I really hate the silent treatment that women can give, I didn't want her to view it as the silent treatment - it was a clear decision to cut off when being dumped.

There is so much more of an online presence nowadays (facebook, texting, etc) - going the old fashioned route will always get you the girl (or at least, the right one).

I thought everything was going perfectly, other than she had trouble with her words (lol) - so I am also still scarred that if everything is going well, it could be ended without discussion. She had depression that was something that had to be dealt with, but the magical combination of us going through changes and her depression hitting caused her to dump me, instead of trying to figure a way through it. I have become salty with women since, not wanting to put effort in anymore.

I dropped her off at the airport, she blew me a kiss goodbye. 2 weeks later, she dumped me over text. I called her and said that was disrespectful. She got angry and said it's not disrespectful to dump someone!! I said, but to do that over text after a year? We need to talk on the phone, just so you feel better about that in the longrun. (This is how it is nowadays folks!). She said she felt like shit doing it, so I said then why are you? Silence. (lol)

I booked a $600 trip to try and see her the next day. I told her to meet me on the docks. She said she didn't want to see me (mind you, this made no sense since she blew me a kiss the last time we saw each other in person, lol). I said fine, I'll be standing on the docks alone.

I never took the flight. Delta wouldn't refund me that quickly, so I ended up using $200 of it towards a trip to Scotland this year. The one regret I have is wondering if she ever did show up at that dock by her house. That's the worst feeling in a relationship, is to have regrets. That was my only regret. I drove 8 hours to take her out on our first date. That won't happen again, lol.

[Aquapod770]

[*rfaulk34*]

(10-21-2015, 11:22 PM)Johnny Cupcakes Wrote: Almost this exact thing has happened to me.  

When I was about 25....maybe 24, I dated a girl for about 6 months that was the whole package.  She was pretty, smart, nice, funny, etc.  I was actually pretty hyped on the relationship, even though we never made it official.  Every indication pointed to her being pretty hyped on the relationship as well.

One day, we just quit seeing each other....all by her choosing, and without letting me know.  We would see each other 4 or 5 days a week, and talk on the phone almost every day, and then all of a sudden.....poof.....nothing.  After a week of getting no response, I left her a message on the phone and one on Myspace (lol) telling her to let me know if there was something wrong or if I needed to back off, and she still never answered.  She went from sleeping in my bed one day to completely cutting off contact the next.  It was bizzare.

It's not like she quit talking to me for another dude either.  She was roommates with a good friend of mine, and I asked a few times about her, and no reason was ever given.  Even though it confused me quite a bit, I moved on from it and ended up taking my future wife out on a date a few months later, so it worked out for me.

I have seen her one time since she quit speaking to me.  It was at the funeral of a mutual friend, and she came up and talked to me like nothing ever happened.  It was one of the most awkward situations that I have ever experienced.  

I still have no clue why she "ghosted" me.

Ohhhhh man. I should probably just pass this post by...but that would have been such a good time to get your shot in.

I'm the kind of guy that will do anything for family and friends at any time. But once you cross a line, i'm done with no remorse and no feelings. I've always been the type to be able to move on and not give any relationship (friend or family) a second though. But enough about that...the point is, when she came up to you it would have been a perfect time to look at her after she said something and go "wtf are you doing talking to me?" and then just turn and walk away. 

[Vas Deferens]

(10-25-2015, 06:34 PM)reuben.ahmed Wrote: I dropped her off at the airport, she blew me a kiss goodbye. 2 weeks later, she dumped me over text.

Screw her dude.  Flush the memory of this hag down with a high pressure potty, find a better one.

[Browns Town Bengal]

(10-25-2015, 12:55 PM)fredtoast Wrote: I am guessing that most people who do this have probably had to deal with a very ugly breakup in the past.

Perhaps the last guy she broke up with absolutely would not stop trying to "win her back" until she cut him off 100%.

Or perhaps a guy had broken up with her but then strung her along for a while giving her hope they would get back together.  

Or perhaps the last guy had insisted that she just "owed it to him to explain why it didn't work" and then got extremely upset when she told him what a loser she thought he was.  These "exit interviews" almost never work out well.  The person being left always wants to know why, yet he never wants to admit that he was at fault.  

I never really had a lot of long tern relationships, so I am no expert in "breaking up".  But I can understand why a person might resort to "ghosting".

It could have been anyone of those reasons...or it couldve just been that she was too immature to handle a difficult situation in any other way.  Even though she was mature in a lot of ways, mother of 2, good stable job, homeowner, doesnt mean they are always able to handle every situation with class.  I didnt get the impression while we were dating that she would be capable of something like that otherwise I would reconsidered going further in the relationship.  

Its been about a month since this started...Its been qbout 2 weeks since I last attempted to contact her and she certainly hasnt contacted me at all.  So Im just trying to put it behind me although it still bothers me that it happened.  And after this, there is no way I could ever ghost someone.  Barring situations where someone is crazy, or just wont get the hint etc.  I just know how bad it feels

[BengalsRocker]

(10-30-2015, 06:51 PM)Browns Town Bengal Wrote: It could have been anyone of those reasons...or it couldve just been that she was too immature to handle a difficult situation in any other way.  Even though she was mature in a lot of ways, mother of 2, good stable job, homeowner, doesnt mean they are always able to handle every situation with class.  I didnt get the impression while we were dating that she would be capable of something like that otherwise I would reconsidered going further in the relationship.  

Its been about a month since this started...Its been qbout 2 weeks since I last attempted to contact her and she certainly hasnt contacted me at all.  So Im just trying to put it behind me although it still bothers me that it happened.  And after this, there is no way I could ever ghost someone.  Barring situations where someone is crazy, or just wont get the hint etc.  I just know how bad it feels

It's called a conscience.  Some people are born with it or raised properly to develop one.  Some aren't

Dating someone once or a few times is one thing to go out abruptly.

Dating someone for a longer period without giving a reason or expressing feelings about the relationship is straight up cowardice

You just have to believe someone of that low caliber will have other unpleasant traits creeping beneath the surface.

In other words this isn't their only other major personality flaw.

Good riddance. You just don't know it yet.