Passenger From My Wreck Is Opening Up?

[BFritz21]

Before we got back into the car to drive back to the cemetery from the gas station, my best friend and I argued over who got shotgun.

I eventually let him have it, so we go back to the cemetery, go joy riding, wreck, and he walks away without a bruise.

After the wreck, when I eventually got out of the hospital five months after, I find out that he's been into drugs with the driver to cope but he still came around sometimes to take me to get fast food and whatever,

We NEVER ONCE talked about he wreck.

He went to college at NKU and then moved out to California for a year or two and then came back but he has never tried to see me. I have showed up at a bar a time or two when I've found out he'll be there but I've seen him under ten times in the past 15 or 20 years.

He's staying at his parents' place while they're out of town and he has been at the bar behind my place the past few nights.

Two nights ago, I roll up when he's talking to some girl and he tells her how he was in the front seat when we wrecked, I was in the back, and how he walked away fine.

I had to roll away because I started bawling crying as soon as I turned away, but I just thought he was going for a sympathy bang, so I was ok with it.

Then, tonight, he shows up at the bar and we chat, laugh, and whatever. On his way out, he tells a girl friend off mine that he was in the car and then walks out, so it's not like he was looking for the sympathy bang.

Anyone have any idea what's going on? Is he finally coping and finally able to talk about it or is he looking for sympathy bangs?

This was 20 years ago and I've been over it all for a long, long time, but do I check with him to make sure he's ok or what?

Anybody have any idea what's going on? What should I do?

[Sled21]

(08-04-2021, 01:03 AM)BFritz21 Wrote: Before we got back into the car to drive back to the cemetery from the gas station, my best friend and I argued over who got shotgun.

I eventually let him have it, so we go back to the cemetery, go joy riding, wreck, and he walks away without a bruise.

After the wreck, when I eventually got out of the hospital five months after, I find out that he's been into drugs with the driver to cope but he still came around sometimes to take me to get fast food and whatever,  

We NEVER ONCE talked about he wreck.

He went to college at NKU and then moved out to California for a year or two and then came back but he has never tried to see me.  I have showed up at a bar a time or two when I've found out he'll be there but I've seen him under ten times in the past 15 or 20 years.  

He's staying at his parents' place while they're out of town and he has been at the bar behind my place the past few nights.

Two nights ago, I roll up when he's talking to some girl and he tells her how he was in the front seat when we wrecked, I was in the back, and how he walked away fine.  

I had to roll away because I started bawling crying as soon as I turned away, but I just thought he was going for a sympathy band, so I was ok with it.

Then, tonight, he shows up at the bar and we chat, laugh, and whatever.  On his way out, he tells a girl friend off mine that he was in the car and then walks out, so it's not like he was looking for the sympathy bang.  

Anyone have any idea what's going on?  Is he finally coping and finally able to talk about it or is he looking for sympathy bangs?

This was 20 years ago and I've been over it all for a long, long time, but do I check with him to make sure he's ok or what?

Anybody have any idea what's going on?  What should I do?

Stop "Rooster"  blocking the man and quit stalking him at bars???  J/K
Seriously though, if he wants to open up to you he will, you aren't going to do any good trying to force it.

[Stewy]

Sounds like he's coping as best he can.

It sounds like he has survivor's guilt (a serious issue), not looking to cash in. If he never under went therapy for the guilt, then all the drugs and such afterward are him unconsciously trying to cope, IMO.

If you've really moved on and accepted life as is (not doubting you, but we don't live in your head), then if he wants to talk about it, be there for him. Otherwise, I'd suggest letting it go.

[fredtoast]

Got to realize there is a big difference between talking about the accident with other people and talkinf about it in front of you.

Also I thought it was safer in the back seat than the front. But you were in the back seat, right?

[BFritz21]

(08-04-2021, 08:33 AM)Sled21 Wrote: Stop "Rooster"  blocking the man and quit stalking him at bars???  J/K
Seriously though, if he wants to open up to you he will, you aren't going to do any good trying to force it.

Yeah right!  I was the PERFECT wingman by just being there and being crippled while he told the story!



After the wreck, he started hanging around shady people who would also do drugs, including the driver, and just an entirely different group, with the driver being one of them.  Drugs became normal in the area in the grade above and below ours, but mainly in ours, because the driver sold drugs to fund his own addictions and then kids who weren't normally popular found popularity by doing drugs with them.

I don't think he'll ever open up to me unless I initiate it because he has just never been emotionally stable.

Maybe I should look for someone to randomly bring it up to him if he brings it up to them again to see if he wants to talk but what would he say?  If it's finally helping him cope by telling people, what good would it do to tell me?  I already know.

I think another problem is, initially after the wreck when the cops came and whatever, he lied and said that he wasn't in the car.  He eventually plea bargained and admitted it, but I feel like he still feels like that was leaving me to die and then denying me.  He says that he doesn't remember getting back in the car, which he didn't know what happened after we left the house to go get gas, so I don't really doubt him on that anymore, but it might still eat at him.

(08-04-2021, 09:24 AM)Stewy Wrote: Sounds like he's coping as best he can.

It sounds like he has survivor's guilt (a serious issue), not looking to cash in.  If he never under went therapy for the guilt, then all the drugs and such afterward are him unconsciously trying to cope, IMO.

If you've really moved on and accepted life as is (not doubting you, but we don't live in your head), then if he wants to talk about it, be there for him.  Otherwise, I'd suggest letting it go.

I'm starting to feel like it was guilt, especially after the other night, whereas I initially just thought it was him abandoning me and playing the victim.

He's not emotionally stable and I doubt he'll ever try to talk to me about it if he needs to so I'm thinking maybe I'll tell someone else in the bar to let him know.

I'm not sure how much it would help talking to me though because I feel like he needs to talk to someone who would listen and communicate, like a shrink, but he's way too proud to go to a shrink.

[Wes Mantooth]

Brad, I'm sure it's something that is very difficult for him to talk about, and especially around you.

A couple of friends from my area and school got in a car wreck when they were like 16. The driver died, and the passenger was in a coma for a long time but he ended up recovering. I believe at the time the cops found weed in the car and they were rumored to have been speeding. Translation = They were just being really dumb kids and they paid BIG time for it.

Anways, the guy who lived went to my school and I'll still see him occassionally. I've literally only heard him speak the other kid's name once in the 25 years since it happened. And when he did that I was almost shocked. Not that he went into some great detail about anything or we had some long conversation about him, but just hearing him say his name. I think it's kind of been mutually understood between everyone to not bring up the other guy or the wreck when he's around.

Keep in mind, this kid wasn't even driving. He was just there and suffered too. But I can tell this is a super sensitive subject for him. So much so that I think I remember hearing he avoided the other family after this all went down. I don't even think they were mad at him, they just wanted to make sure he was ok (dude was in a coma and the hospital for like 6 months) but I don't think he could face them.

So as I'm writing this it's clear to me I have absolutely no answer for you. I just think it's important to note that when stuff this heavy goes down people can cope and deal in many different ways. I don't think it's always the easiest to get a read on it. And as far as him getting into drugs or any of that, I'm sure your situation played into that, at least somewhat.

I can't imagine being involved in a situation like this, especially if something as trivial as who gets shotgun results in completely different consequences for two people. I can only imagine what it's like for both of you.

[CKwi88]

(08-04-2021, 06:05 PM)Wes Mantooth Wrote: Brad, I'm sure it's something that is very difficult for him to talk about, and especially around you.

A couple of friends from my area and school got in a car wreck when they were like 16.  The driver died, and the passenger was in a coma for a long time but he ended up recovering.  I believe at the time the cops found weed in the car and they were rumored to have been speeding.  Translation = They were just being really dumb kids and they paid BIG time for it.

This is tough to articulate say in text form, but that is essentially what your friend's, Brad's and too many other stories end up being. Dumb kids (we've all been one) made dumb decisions (we've all made them) and some real dumb shit happened. 

Having to live with those consequences, whether it be having your life radically changed from such a young age, or knowing that it happened to a friend of yours is one heck of a burden to carry, and I don't envy those that have to live with it and overcome the consequences.

[SunsetBengal]

Brad, all of you that were involved in that crash were permanently altered as a result. Some in a physical state, like yourself, and others in their psychological/emotional state, like the man who was in the passenger seat. Each of your lives was forever changed because of the events that transpired that night.

Why your friend took so long to talk about that night is not the issue, the fact that he has, is what is vital to the healing process. Your physical injuries will never fully heal, but your psyche can. Because you were forever altered from that crash does not mean that the crash is what defines you, as a man. My advice would be to welcome the dialogue with your friend, embrace the fact that you can still have a relationship, and be supportive of one another moving forward.

[BFritz21]

(08-04-2021, 06:05 PM)Wes Mantooth Wrote: Brad, I'm sure it's something that is very difficult for him to talk about, and especially around you.

A couple of friends from my area and school got in a car wreck when they were like 16.  The driver died, and the passenger was in a coma for a long time but he ended up recovering.  I believe at the time the cops found weed in the car and they were rumored to have been speeding.  Translation = They were just being really dumb kids and they paid BIG time for it.

Anways, the guy who lived went to my school and I'll still see him occassionally.  I've literally only heard him speak the other kid's name once in the 25 years since it happened.  And when he did that I was almost shocked.  Not that he went into some great detail about anything or we had some long conversation about him, but just hearing him say his name.  I think it's kind of been mutually understood between everyone to not bring up the other guy or the wreck when he's around.

Keep in mind, this kid wasn't even driving.  He was just there and suffered too.  But I can tell this is a super sensitive subject for him.  So much so that I think I remember hearing he avoided the other family after this all went down.  I don't even think they were mad at him, they just wanted to make sure he was ok (dude was in a coma and the hospital for like 6 months) but I don't think he could face them.

So as I'm writing this it's clear to me I have absolutely no answer for you.  I just think it's important to note that when stuff this heavy goes down people can cope and deal in many different ways.  I don't think it's always the easiest to get a read on it.  And as far as him getting into drugs or any of that, I'm sure your situation played into that, at least somewhat.

I can't imagine being involved in a situation like this, especially if something as trivial as who gets shotgun results in completely different consequences for two people.  I can only imagine what it's like for both of you.

His parents and brother have always been cool to me and I've actually probably talked to them just as much, if not more, than I've talked to him in the past 10 years.  

I guess I have to just play it by ear and hope he opens up again.

(08-04-2021, 06:44 PM)SunsetBengal Wrote: Brad, all of you that were involved in that crash were permanently altered as a result.  Some in a physical state, like yourself, and others in their psychological/emotional state, like the man who was in the passenger seat.  Each of your lives was forever changed because of the events that transpired that night.

Why your friend took so long to talk about that night is not the issue, the fact that he has, is what is vital to the healing process.  Your physical injuries will never fully heal, but your psyche can.  Because you were forever altered from that crash does not mean that the crash is what defines you, as a man.  My advice would be to welcome the dialogue with your friend, embrace the fact that you can still have a relationship, and be supportive of one another moving forward.

I've NEVER let the wreck define me, and I think that's why so many people love me.  My mindset has always been "I'm alive, so who cares what I can't do?  I can still think and move and smile."

The driver definitely has let the wreck define him and just let his life go to hell.  I'm kind of scared when he gets out of jail just because he's such a psycho that I'm afraid he'll flip out one night and kill me.  In '09, he said I'm the last thing on his mind before he goes to bed and the first thing on his mind when he wakes up, but, a few months after that, he also tried to kill himself by jumping in front of a semi and posted on my wall that he hopes I'm happy because he did it for my birthday present (I've mentioned that before so sorry if you already knew).

The passenger let the wreck define him but maybe by opening up, like you said, he's finally getting over it.  Hopefully he can move on.  I'd like to find a way too bring it up but maybe he'll be at the Tavern again soon and we can chat then.