(01-22-2019, 11:48 PM)Yojimbo Wrote:


Not sure if this is more funny or sad. This is all in chronological order, top right corner keeps track of month and year.

Owning the libs by no longer owning your land pic.twitter.com/rCn5qiVG9Z

— Parker Molloy (@ParkerMolloy) January 23, 2019

Quote:Huge Coward Bans Courageous People from Military

By Andy Borowitz
10:42 A.M.



Photograph by Victor J. Blue / Bloomberg / Getty
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—One of the nation’s most prominent cowards achieved his long-standing goal of banning courageous people from serving in the military, the coward confirmed on Tuesday.

The coward, who avoided serving in the military no fewer than five times, told reporters that he had specifically targeted courageous people “because they make people like me look bad.”


“I know what they’re up to—enlisting in the military so that people like me look like spineless losers,” the coward said. “Well, if they think they’re going to get away with bravely serving their country, they better think again.”


The coward said that he was “surprised, frankly” at the howls of outrage his banning of valiant people from the military had sparked.


“If someone had banned me from the military back in the sixties, I wouldn’t have had to get a phony note from a podiatrist,” he said.

Quote:Wealthy Teen Nearly Experiences Consequence

9/27/08 8:00am
SEE MORE: HIGH SCHOOL

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SOMERSET, NJ—In what local authorities are calling a "near tragedy," Charles Wentworth, a 17-year-old Rutgers Preparatory senior and member of the affluent Wentworth family, came perilously close to suffering a consequence resulting from his own wrongdoing Saturday.

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Wentworth made his senior photo shoot even after coming within inches of an actual repercussion from the accident.


Wentworth, reportedly ignoring the protests of his classmates, got behind the wheel of his turbocharged Supra 2000GT after consuming half the contents of a bottle of Goldschläger at a friend's party. While driving westbound on Route 27, a disoriented Wentworth drifted across two lanes of traffic and collided with a minivan carrying a family of four, bringing the teen face-to-face with a potentially life-altering lesson.

Wentworth escaped unscathed and unpunished, however, when his airbags deployed and a team of high-powered attorneys rushed to the scene and rescued him from the brink of personal responsibility.


"Amazingly, Mr. Wentworth did not experience a single repercussion for consuming alcohol under age or operating a motor vehicle while intoxicated, and is furthermore completely unaware that he did anything wrong," local police chief Marvin Taylor said. "He is a very lucky boy."


"If he had been driving just 5 mph faster, or if his parents hadn't had the influence to keep the matter out of court and the endless financial resources to lease a car of the exact same make and model to prevent him from having to face even the relatively trivial humiliation of being taunted by his peers for driving a slightly less expensive vehicle—my God, who knows what could have happened?" Taylor added. "He could have died or, worse, been held accountable for his actions."
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The accident
According to police reports that have since been shredded and stricken from Wentworth's permanent record, when briefly taken into custody, the privileged teenager began swearing, vomiting, and kicking at the windows of the squad car in which he was momentarily placed following the collision. Wentworth later said the only thing that got him through that dark time was thinking of his rich, well-connected loved ones. With them in mind, he repeatedly shouted, "Don't you know who I am?" and summoned the strength to refuse a field sobriety test.


"A lot of kids in Charles' situation would have confessed and accepted punishment for their mistake, but my son is strong," said Wentworth's father, aluminum magnate Herman Wentworth, who after arriving at the crash site told his son that "everything is taken care of," and while Charles sat in his father's BMW texting his friends, loudly threatened to call the police commissioner if any charges were pressed. "Charles would never allow himself to give up and gain valuable insight into the way things work in the real world without a fight."


District Judge and close friend of the Wentworth family Donald Lamb agreed.


"Charles is very lucky to be alive and well-off," Lamb told reporters. "The fact that he was able to walk away from this crash with no injuries, zero remorse, and his skewed priorities in one piece is a miracle."


Despite returning to the safety of his $2.3 million home, Wentworth's harrowing brush with consequence was not over.


A week after the near ordeal, Wentworth was again put in jeopardy of learning a lesson when he was nearly sentenced to 50 hours of community service. Tragedy was averted, however, when his mother paid a consultant to testify before the judge that 
Wentworth had suffered emotional trauma. Further, during this time, Wentworth was forced to put his video game on pause for several seconds in order to sign affidavits stating that the Breathalyzer was administered improperly.

"To think that I was that close to seeing that there is an entire society with its own laws and standards outside my protected sphere of wealth and privilege—it's frightening," Wentworth said. "It almost makes you consider your actions and their impact on others. Almost."


"I'm just grateful I can finally get back to my life as a self-centered prick who believes the entire world revolves around him," Wentworth added. "After all, I was just admitted to Columbia despite almost failing out of high school because I rarely attended class, and it would have been a shame to have had to defer for a semester just because of some legal…unpleasantry."


At press time, Wentworth is resting comfortably on a six-figure inheritance in a chaise lounge by his backyard pool. The other four victims of the crash remain in intensive care at St. Peter's University Hospital, suffering from conditions ranging from poor to lower-class.

Quote:LET RACIST BOYS BE RACIST BOYS AGAIN

by EDUARDO MARTINEZ JR.
 
“A crowd of teenagers surrounded a Native American elder and other activists and appeared to mock them after Friday’s Indigenous Peoples March at the Lincoln Memorial.” – CNN

- - -
In this day and age, one of the most unfortunate realities we face is that everything we do is filmed, logged, and memorialized. Between your YouTubes, your Snapchats, and your Instas, no aspect of our daily lives goes unchronicled. This is true for kids, especially young men, who now grow up at the mercy of their smartphones, casualties of an out-of-control PC culture. I think it’s high time we ask ourselves: Why can’t we let our racist boys just be racist boys again?

Admit it. It’s a shame that an adolescent or teenage boy needs to be afraid that his abominable act of aggressive racism might end up recorded. In my day, a boy could heckle a sit-in, menacingly threaten an interracial couple, or scream a slur at your face without it ending up on the front page news. Hell, that’s just what we did! And that was okay!

Now, we police our young white men like criminals, waiting for them to inevitably reveal their latent racism and privilege in violent outbursts. Is this fair? Think of the parents of these young men, also probably xenophobic racists, worried that their children will be canceled on Twitter just because they inflicted permanent psychological trauma on someone different from themselves.

Does the punishment fit the crime?

In my opinion, we need to mentor these boys and harness their youthful energy and passion into the more conventional, productive forms of racism. Maybe instead of shaming them for disrupting a peaceful protest, we could give them tools and teach them skills to be more effective bigots in the future. Don’t suspend Timothy and his friends from school because they were ruthlessly intimidating a vulnerable citizen like a pack of hyenas. Instead, praise his organizational and planning skills, and direct his enthusiasm towards sports, or Republican politics. We cannot let more of our upstanding young men expressing their cultural pride in bombastic ways end up plastered all over the internet like fugitives. Let’s turn the conversation constructive. Let’s give our children the same chance we had to further entrench our society in institutional racism.

(01-23-2019, 09:55 PM)SunsetBengal Wrote: ..

(01-23-2019, 10:23 PM)Nately120 Wrote: wouldn't it make more sense for Americans to swarm into Canada and just take them over?  They have like a zillion social programs and no wall to stop us.  Just saying.

(01-23-2019, 10:34 PM)SunsetBengal Wrote: Yeah, but it's Winter, like 8 months of the year.  And, they are seeming to be turning even more Socialist, so they'll take all the money you earn, too..

(01-23-2019, 10:36 PM)Nately120 Wrote: Wait, illegals earn taxable income and pay into the system set to benefit society?